UNIVERSITY
OF FLORIDA
LIBRARY
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COLLEGE LIBRARY
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DESIGN FOR LIVING
BOOKS BY
NOEL COWARD
CAVALCADE
SPANGLED UNICORN: AN ANTHOLOGY
DESIGN FOR LIVING: A COMEDY
IN THREE ACTS
COLLECTED SKETCHES AND LYRICS
post-mortem: A PLAY IN EIGHT SCENES
PRIVATE LIVES: AN INTIMATE COMEDY
IN THREE ACTS
BITTER SWEET AND OTHER PLAYS
THE PLAYS OF NOEL COWARD
NOEL COWARD
DESIGN FOR LIVING
A Comedy in Three Acts
Garden City, New York
Doubleday, Doran and Company, Inc.
MCMXXXIII
printed at the Country Life Ptess, garden c i t y, n. y., u. s. a.
COPYRIGHT, 1932, lyjj
BY NOEL COWARD
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
c
-3
To
ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT
ERRATUM
Applications regarding performing rights
should be addressed to the author, care of
the publishers.
S:l349
ACT ONE .
Otto's Studio in Paris.
ACT TWO
Scene I — Leo's Flat in London. {Eighteen months
later.)
Scene II — The Same. {A few days later)
Scene III — The Same. {The next morning)
ACT THREE
Scene I — Ernest's Apartment in New York. {Two
years later)
Scene II — The Same. {The next morning)
Time: The Present
CHARACTERS
GlLDA
Otto
Leo
Ernest Friedman
Miss Hodge
Mr. Btrbeck
Henry Carver
Helen Carver
Grace Torrence
Matthew
ACT ONE
ACT ONE: Scene I
The scene is rather a shabby studio in Paris. There is
a large window at the back looking out onto roof tops.
Down stage j on the Left, there is a door leading onto the
stairs f which in turn lead to the street. Up stage, on
the Right f there is a door leading into a small kitchen.
When the curtain rises, it is about ten o'clock on
a spring morning, and the studio is empty. Gilda
comes in from the kitchen carrying a coffee pot and a
milk jug. She places them on a table just under the
window, which is already laid with cups and plates,
etc. Gilda is a good-looking woman of about thirty.
Suddenly there is a knock on the door Left. She
gives a quick glance towards it, and then goes swiftly
and silently into the bedroom. In a moment she re-
turns, closing the bedroom door carefully behind her.
There is another knock on the door. She opens it,
admitting Ernest Friedman. He is any age be-
tween forty and fifty, rather precise in manner. He
carries a large package, obviously a picture, done up in
brown paper.
Gilda: Ernest!
Ernest: May I come in?
Gilda: I'd no idea you were back.
Ernest: I arrived last night.
He comes in and puts down the package.
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Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: What's that?
Ernest: Something exquisite, superb.
Gilda: The Matisse?
Ernest: Yes.
Gilda: You got it, after all.
Ernest: It's unbelievable.
Gilda: Undo it quickly!
Ernest: Otto must see it, too.
Gilda: He's asleep.
Ernest: Wake him up, then.
Gilda: Not now, Ernest; he's had the most awful
neuralgia all night.
Ernest: Neuralgia?
Gilda: Yes; all up one side of his face and down the
other side.
Ernest {undoing the package): Wake him up. One
look at this will take away his neuralgia immediately.
Gilda: No, really. He's only just dropped off. He's
been in agony. I've dosed him with aspirin and given
him a hot-water bottle here, and another one just
there
Ernest {petulantly): I didn't know anyone had so
many hot-water bottles.
Gilda: I still have one more, in case it spreads.
Ernest: It really is very irritating. I take the
trouble to drag this large picture all the way round here
and Otto chooses to have neuralgia.
Gilda: He didn't choose to have it. He hated having
it. His little face is all pinched and strained.
Ernest: Otto's face is enormous.
Gilda: Show me the picture, Ernest, and try not to be
disagreeable.
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Ernest (grumbling) : It's an anticlimax.
Gilda: Thank you, dear.
Ernest: It's no use pretending to be hurt. You
know you don't really care for anybody's pictures except
Otto's.
Gilda: Do you want some coffee?
Ernest: Why are there two cups, if Otto has neural-
gia?
Gilda: Habit. There are always two cups.
Ernest (propping up the picture, facing up stage):
There!
Gilda (scrutinizing it) : Yes, it's good.
Ernest: Stand further back.
Gilda (obliging) : Very good indeed. How much?
Ernest: Eight hundred pounds.
Gilda: Did you bargain?
Ernest: No, that was their price.
Gilda: I think you were right. Dealers or private
owners?
Ernest: Dealers.
Gilda: Here's your coffee.
Ernest (taking the cup and still looking at the picture) :
It's strangely unlike all the other work, isn't it?
Gilda: What are you going to do with it?
Ernest: Wait a little.
Gilda: And then resell?
Ernest: I expect so.
Gilda: It will need a room to itself.
Ernest: None of your decorating schemes. Hands
off!
Gilda: Don't you think I'm a good decorator?
Ernest: Not particularly.
[5]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: Darling Ernest!
Ernest (back at the picture): Otto will go mad when
he sees it.
Gilda: You think Otto's good, don't you? You
think he's all right?
Ernest: Coming along. Coming along very nicely.
Gilda: Better than that. Much better!
Ernest: Lady Jaguar, defending her young!
Gilda: Otto isn't my young.
Ernest: Oh, yes, he is. Otto's everybody's young.
Gilda: You think he's weak, don't you?
Ernest: Certainly, I do.
Gilda: And that I'm strong?
Ernest: Strong as an ox!
Gilda: You've called me a jaguar and an ox within
the last two minutes. I wish you wouldn't be quite so
zoological.
Ernest: A temperamental ox, Gilda. Sometimes a
hysterical ox; and, at the moment, an over- vehement ox J
What's the matter with you this morning?
Gilda: The matter with me?
Ernest: There's a wild gleam in your eye.
Gilda: There always is. It's one of my greatest
charms! I'm surprised that you never noticed it
before.
Ernest: The years are creeping on me, Gilda. Per-
haps my perceptions are getting dulled.
Gilda (absently) : Perhaps they are.
Ernest: If, in my dotage, I become a bore to you, you
won't scruple to let me know, will you?
Gilda: Don't be an idiot!
Ernest (ruminatively) : Perhaps it was wrong of me to
16]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
»
arrive unexpectedly; I should have written you a little
note making an appointment.
Gilda: Be a nice bluebottle and stop buzzing at me,
will you?
Ernest: You're a striking-looking woman — particu-
larly when a little distrait. It's a pity Otto's paintings of
you have always been so tranquil. He's missed some-
thing.
Gilda: The next time he paints me, you must be here
to lash me with gay witticisms.
Ernest: Surely, in my r61e of bitter old family friend,
I can demand a little confidence! You could tell me
quite safely, you know, if anything's wrong. I might
even be able to help, with a senile word or two.
Gilda: Nothing is wrong, I tell you.
Ernest: Nothing at all?
Gilda: Shall I make you some toast?
Ernest: No, thank you.
Gilda: It's very hot today, isn't it?
Ernest: Why not open the window?
Gilda: I never thought of it.
She opens the window almost violently.
There! — I'm sick of this studio; it's squalid! I wish I
were somewhere quite different. I wish I were some-
body quite different. I wish I were a nice-minded British
matron, with a husband, a cook, and a baby. I wish I
believed in God and the Daily Mail and "Mother
India"!
Ernest: I wish you'd tell me what's upsetting
you.
Gilda: Glands, I expect. Everything's glandular.
I read a book about it the other day. Ernest, if you
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Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
only realized what was going on inside you, you'd be
bitterly offended!
Ernest: I'm much more interested in what's going on
inside you.
Gilda: I'll tell you. All the hormones in my blood
are working overtime. They're rushing madly in and
out of my organs like messenger boys.
Ernest: Why?
Gilda: Perhaps it's a sort of presentiment.
Ernest: Psychic. I see. Well, well, well!
Gilda: Yes, I hear voices. I hear my own voice
louder than any of the others, and it's beginning to bore
me. Would you describe me as a super-egoist, Ernest?
Ernest: Yes, dear.
Gilda: Thinking of myself too much, and not enough
of other people?
Ernest: No. Thinking of other people too much
through yourself.
Gilda: How can anyone do otherwise?
Ernest: Detachment of mind.
Gilda: I haven't got that sort of mind.
Ernest: It's an acquired attitude and difficult to
achieve, but, believe me, well worth trying for.
Gilda: Are you presenting yourself as a shining ex-
ample?
Ernest: Not shining, my dear, just dully effulgent.
Gilda: How should I start? Go away alone with my
thoughts?
Ernest: With all my detachment I find it very
difficult to regard your painful twistings and turnings
with composure.
Gilda: Why?
[8]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Ernest (blandly) : Because I'm very fond of you.
Gilda: Why?
Ernest: I don't know. A tedious habit, I suppose.
After all, I was very attached to your mother.
Gilda: Yes, I know. Personally, I never cared for
her very much. A bossy woman.
Ernest: I don't think you should allude to the dead as
"bossy."
Gilda: No reverence. That's my trouble. No rever-
ence*
Ernest: I feel vaguely paternal towards you.
Gilda: Yes, Ernest.
Ernest: And your behaviour confuses me.
Gilda: My painful twistings and turnings.
Ernest: Exactly.
Gilda: What did you mean by that?
Ernest: Will you explain one thing to me really satis-
factorily?
Gilda: What?
Ernest: Why don't you marry Otto?
Gilda: It's very funny that underneath all your
worldly wisdom you're nothing but a respectable little
old woman in a jet bonnet.
Ernest: You don't like being disapproved of, do you?
Gilda: Does anybody?
Ernest: Anyhow, I don't disapprove of you, yourself
— of course, you're as obstinate as a mule
Gilda: There you go again! "Strong as an ox!"
"Obstinate as a mule!" Just a pack of Animal Grab —
that's what I am ! Bring out all the other cards. " Gentle
as a dove!" "Playful as a kitten!" "Black as a
crow!"
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Ernest: u Brave as a lion!"
Gilda: Oh, no, Ernest! You couldn't think that,
disapproving of me as you do.
Ernest: I was about to explain, when you so rudely
interrupted, that it isn't you, yourself, I disapprove of.
It's your mode of life.
Gilda {laughing slightly) : Oh, I see !
Ernest: Your life is so dreadfully untidy, Gilda.
Gilda: I'm not a tidy person.
Ernest: You haven't yet answered my original ques-
tion.
Gilda: Why I don't marry Otto?
Ernest: Yes. Is there a real reason, or just a lot of
faintly affected theories?
Gilda: There's a very real reason.
Ernest: Well?
Gilda: I love him. (She glances towards the bedroom
door and says louder) : I love him.
Ernest : All right ! All right, there's no need to shout.
Gilda: Yes, there is, every need. ■ I should like to
scream.
Ernest: That would surely be very bad for Otto's
neuralgia.
Gilda (calming down): The only reasons for me to
marry would be these: To have children; to have a
home; to have a background for social activities, and to
be provided for. Well, I don't like children; I don't
wish for a home; I can't bear social activities, and I have
a small but adequate income of my own. I love Otto
deeply, and I respect him as a person and as an artist.
To be tied legally to him would be repellent to me and to
him, too. It's not a dashing bohemian gesture to Free
[10]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Love: we just feel like that, both of us. Now, are you
satisfied?
Ernest: If you are.
Gilda: You're impossible, Ernest. You sit there
looking quizzical, and it maddens me!
Ernest: I am quizzical.
Gilda: Well, be something else, for God's sake!
Ernest : I suppose you know Leo is back?
Gilda (Jumping slightly) : What?
Ernest: I said, "I suppose you know Leo is back?"
Gilda (tremendously astonished) : It's not true!
Ernest: Didn't he let you know?
Gilda (eagerly): When did he arrive? Where's he
staying?
Ernest: He arrived yesterday on the Mauretania.
I had a note from him last night.
Gilda: Where's he staying?
Ernest: You'll be shocked when I tell you.
Gilda : Quickly ! — Quickly !
Ernest: The George V.
Gilda (going of into peals of laughter) : He must be
raving! The George V! Oh, dear, oh, dear! Leo, at
the George V! It's a glorious picture. Marble bath-
rooms and private balconies! Leo in all that grandeur!
It isn't possible.
Ernest: I gather he's made a good deal of money.
Gilda: That's not enough excuse. He ought to be
ashamed of himself!
Ernest: I can't understand him, not letting you know
he was back. I fully expected to find him here.
Gilda: He'll appear sooner or later.
Ernest: Are you glad he's made money?
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: Why do you ask that?
Ernest: Curiosity.
Gilda: Of course I'm glad. I adore Leo!
Ernest: And Otto? What about Otto?
Gilda (irritably): What do you mean, "What about
Otto?"
Ernest: Will he be glad, too?
Gilda: You're too ridiculous sometimes, Ernest.
What are you suspecting? What are you trying to find
out?
Ernest: Nothing. I was only wondering.
Gilda: It's all right. I know what you're getting at;
but you're wrong as usual. Everybody's always wrong
about Leo and Otto and me. I'm not jealous of Leo's
money and success, and Otto won't be either when he
knows. That's what you were suspecting, wasn't it?
Ernest: Perhaps.
Gilda (turning away): I think you should grasp the
situation a little better, having known us all for so long.
Ernest: Otto and Leo knew each other first.
Gilda: Yes, yes, yes, yes — I know all about that! I
came along and spoilt everything! Go on, dear
Ernest: I didn't say that.
Gilda (sharply) : It's what you meant.
Ernest: I think, perhaps, you may have spoilt your-
self a little.
Gilda: Distrust of women frequently sets in at your
age, Ernest.
Ernest: I cannot, for the life of me, imagine why I'm
so fond of you. You have such abominable manners.
Gilda: It's probably the scarlet life I live, causing
me to degenerate into a shrew.
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Ernest: Very likely. '
Gilda {suddenly, leaning over the hack of his chair, with
her arms around him)'. I'm sorry — about my bad man-
ners, I mean. Please forgive me. You're a darling, and
you love us a lot, don't you? All three, of us? Me a
little less than Otto and Leo because I'm a woman and,
therefore, unreliable. Isn't that true?
Ernest (patting her hand) : Quite.
Gilda {leaving him) : Your affection is a scared thing,
though. Too frightened; too apprehensive of conse-
quences. Leave us to grapple with the consequences,
my dear. We're bound to have a bad time every now
and then, but, at least, we know it. We're aware of a
whole lot of things. Look at us clearly as human beings,
rather peculiar human beings, I grant you, and don't be
prejudiced by our lack of social grace. I laughed too
loudly just now at the thought of Leo being rich and rare.
Too loudly because I was uneasy, not jealous. I don't
want him to be any different, that's all.
Ernest: I see.
Gilda: Do you? Do you really? I doubt it. I
don't see how anyone outside could. But I would like
you to understand one thing absolutely and completely.
I love Otto — whatever happens, I love Otto.
Ernest: I never suggested for a moment that you didn't.
Gilda: Wait. Wait and see. The immediate horizon
is grey and forbidding and dangerous. You don't know
what I'm talking about and you probably think I've gone
mad, and I can't explain — not now. But, darling Ernest,
there's a crisis on. A full-blooded, emotional crisis; and
when I need you, which I expect will be very soon, I shall
yell I I shall yell like mad!
us]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Ernest: I knew you were in a state about some-
thing.
Gilda: Nasty shrewd little instincts shooting out and
discovering things lurking in the atmosphere. It's
funny about atmosphere, isn't it? Strong inside thoughts
make outside impressions. Imprints on the ether. A
horrid sort of spiritual television.
Ernest: Quite.
Gilda: Well, are you satisfied now? You felt some-
thing was the matter, and you were right. It's always
pleasant to be right, isn't it?
Ernest: Not by any means.
Gilda: You're right about something else, too.
Ernest: What?
Gilda: Women being unreliable. There are moments
in life when I look upon my own damned femininity with
complete nausea. There!
Ernest (smiling): Good!
Gilda: I don't like women at all, Ernest; and I like
myself least of any of them.
Ernest: Never mind.
Gilda: I do mind. I mind bitterly. It humiliates
me to the dust to think that I can go so far, clearly and in-
telligently, keeping faith with my own standards — which
are not female standards at all — preserving a certain
decent integrity, not using any tricks; then, suddenly,
something happens, a spark is struck and down I go into
the mud! Squirming with archness, being aloof and
desirable, consciously alluring, snatching and grabbing,
evading and surrendering, dressed and painted for
victory. An object of strange contempt !
Ernest: A lurid picture, perhaps a trifle exaggerated.
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: I wish it were. I wish it were
Ernest: Drink a little coffee.
Gilda: Perhaps you're right.
She sits down suddenly.
Ernest (pouring it out): There!
Gilda: Thank you, Ernest. You're a great comfort.
She sips a little.
It's not very nice, is it?
Ernest: Disgusting!
Gilda: I must have burnt it.
Ernest: You did, dear.
Gilda: How lovely to be you!
Ernest: In heaven's name, why?
Gilda: You're a permanent spectator. You deal in
pictures. You look at pictures all day long, good pic-
tures and bad pictures; gay pictures and gloomy pictures,
and you know why they're this or why they're that,
because you're critical and knowledgeable and wise.
You're a clever little dear, that's what you are — a clever
little dear!
She begins to laugh again.
Ernest: Gilda, stop it! /
Gilda: Take a look at this, my darling. Measure it
with your eyes. Portrait of a woman in three cardinal
colours. Portrait of a too loving spirit tied down to a
predatory feminine carcass.
Ernest: This is definitely macabre.
Gilda: Right, again!
Ernest: I think I'd better go. You ought to lie down
or something.
Gilda {hysterically): Stay a little longer, you'll find
out so much.
Us)
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Ernest: I don't want to find out anything. You're
scaring me to death.
Gilda: Courage, Ernest. Be brave. Look at the
whole thing as a side show. People pay to see freaks.
Walk up! Walk up and see the Fat Lady and the
Monkey Man and the Living Skeleton and the Three
Famous Hermaphrodites ! — ■ —
There is a noise outside in the passage. The door
bursts open, and Otto fairly bounds into the room.
He is tall and good-looking, wearing a travelling coat
and hat, and carrying a suitcase and a large package oj
painting materials.
Gilda: Otto!
Otto (striking an attitude) : I've come home !
Gilda: You see what happens when I crack the whip!
Otto: Little Ernest! How very sweet to see you!
He kisses him.
Gilda: When did you leave Bordeaux?
Otto: Night train, dear heart.
Gilda: Why didn't you telegraph?
Otto: I don't hold with these modern innovations.
Ernest: This is very interesting.
Otto: What's very interesting?
Ernest: Life, Otto. I was just meditating upon
Life.
Otto (to Gilda) : I've finished the picture.
Gilda: Really? Completely finished it?
Otto: Yes, it's fine. I brought it away with me. I
made the old fool sit for hours and wouldn't let her see,
and afterwards when she did she made the most awful
scene. She said it was out of drawing and made her look
podgy; then I lost my temper and said it was overeating
[rf]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
and lack of exercise that made her look podgy, and that
it was not only an exquisite painting but unfalteringly
true to life. Then she practically ordered me out of the
house! I don't suppose she'll ever pay me the rest of
the money, but to hell with her! If she doesn't, I shall
have the picture.
Ernest: Unwise, but, I am sure, enjoyable.
There is silence.
Otto: Well?
Gilda: Well what?
Otto: What on earth's the matter?
Gilda: Why should you think anything's the matter?
Otto {looking from one to the other) : Have your faces
lit up? No. Have you rushed at me with outstretched
arms? No. Are you, either of you, even remotely
pleased to see me? Obviously NO! Something dread-
ful has happened and you're trying to decide how to
break the news to me. What is it? Tell me at once!
What's the matter?
Ernest (with slight malice) : Gilda has neuralgia.
Otto: Nonsense! She's as strong as a horse.
Gilda (laughing wildly): Oh, my God!
Otto (to Ernest): What's she "Oh, my God-ing"
about?
Ernest: It's glandular. Everything's glandular.
Otto: Have you both gone mad?
Gilda: Don't take off your coat and hat.
Otto: What?
Gilda (very slowly and distinctly): I said, "Don't take
off your coat and hat."
Otto (humouring her) : Very well, darling, I won't, I
promise you. As a matter of fact, I said to myself only
[I7\
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
this morning, "Otto," I said, "Otto, you must never,
never be parted from your coat and hat! Never, never,
never!"
Gilda: There's a surprise for you, darling. A beauti-
ful surprise!
Otto: What?
Gilda: You must go to the George V at once.
Otto: The George V?
Gilda: Yes. That's the surprise.
Otto: Who is it? Who's at the George V?
Gilda: Leo.
Otto: You're not serious? He couldn't be.
Gilda: He is. He came back on the Mauretania.
His play is still running in Chicago, and he's sold the
movie rights and he's made thousands!
Otto : Have you seen him?
Gilda: Of course! Last night.
.Ernest: Well, I'm damned!
Gilda: I told you you didn't understand, Ernest.
(To Otto) : If you'd only let me know you were coming,
we could have both met you at the station. It would
have been so lovely ! Leo will be furious. You must go
to him at once and bring him back here and we'll make
some sort of a plan for the day.
Otto: This is good, good, better than good! An ex-
cellent, super homecoming! I was thinking of him last
night, bumping along in that awful train. I thought of
him for hours, I swear I did. Cross my hand with silver,
lady, I'm so definitely the Gipsy Queen! Oh, God, how
marvellous! He'll be able to go to Annecy with us.
Gilda: He's got to go back to New York, and then to
London.
US]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Otto: Splendid! We'll go with him. He's been
away far too long. Come on
He seizes Gilda's hand.
Gilda: No.
Ernest: What are you going to do?
Gilda: Stay here and tidy up. You go with Otto to
fetch Leo. You said my life was untidy, didn't you?
Well, I'm taking it to heart!
Otto: Come on, Gilda; it doesn't matter about tidying
up.
Gilda: Yes, it does. It does! It's the most impor-
tant thing in the world — an orderly mind; that's the thing
to have.
Otto: He's probably brought us presents, and if he's
rich they'll be expensive presents. Very nice! Very
nice, indeed. Come along, Ernest, my little honey —
we'll take a taxi.
Ernest: I don't think I'll go.
Otto: You must. He likes seeing you almost as
much as us. Come on!
He grabs Ernest by the shoulders and shoves him
towards the door.
Gilda: Of course, go, Ernest, and come back too and
we'll all celebrate. I'm yelling! Can't you hear me
yelling like mad?
Otto: What on earth are you talking about?
Gilda: A bad joke, and very difficult to explain.
Otto: Good-morning, darling! I never kissed you
good-morning.
Gilda: Never mind about that now. Go on, both of
you, or he'll have gone out. You don't want to miss
him.
Up]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Otto {firmly kissing her) : Good-morning, darling.
Gilda {suddenly stiffening in his arms) : Dearest
Otto and Ernest go to the door.
Gilda {suddenly): Otto '
Otto {turning) : Yes?
Gilda {smiling gaily, but with a slight strain in her
voice) : I love you very much, so be careful crossing roads,
won't you? Look to the right and the left and all around
everything, and don't do anything foolish and impulsive.
Please remember, there's a dear
Otto: Be quiet, don't pester me with your attentions!
{To Ernest as they go out) : She's crazy about me, poor
little thing; just crazy about me.
They go out. Gilda stands quite still for a moment
or two staring after them; then she sits down at a table.
Leo comes out of the bedroom. He is thin and nervous
and obviously making a tremendous effort to control
' himself. He walks about aimlessly for a little and
finishes up looking out of the window, with his back to
Gilda.
Leo: What now?
Gilda: I don't know.
Leo: Not much time to think.
Gilda: A few minutes.
Leo: Are there any cigarettes?
Gilda: Yes, in that box.
Leo: Want one?
Gilda: No.
Leo {lighting one) : It's nice being human beings, isn't
it? I'm sure God's angels must envy us.
Gilda: Whom do you love best? Otto or me?
Leo: Silly question.
[20]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: Answer me, anyhow.
Leo: How can I? Be sensible! In any case, what
does it matter?
Gilda: It's important to me.
Leo: No, it isn't — not really. That's not what's
important. What we did was inevitable. It's been
inevitable for years. It doesn't matter who loves who
the most; you can't line up things like that mathemati-
cally. We all love each other a lot, far too much, and
we've made a bloody mess of it! That was inevitable,
too.
Gilda: We must get it straight, somehow.
Leo: Yes, we must get it straight and tie it up with
ribbons with a bow on the top. Pity it isn't Valentine's
Day!
Gilda: Can't we laugh a little? Isn't it a joke?
Can't we make it a joke?
Leo: Yes, it's a joke. It's a joke, all right. We can
laugh until our sides ache. Let's start, shall we?
Gilda: What's the truth of it? The absolute, deep-
down truth? Until we really know that, we can't grap-
ple with it. We can't do a thing. We can only sit here
flicking words about.
Leo: It should be easy, you know. The actual facts
are so simple. I love you. You love me. You love
Otto. I love Otto. Otto loves you. Otto loves me.
There now! Start to unravel from there.
Gilda: We've always been honest, though, all of us.
Honest with each other, I mean. That's something to
go on, isn't it?
Leo: In this particular instance, it makes the whole
thing far more complicated. If we were ordinary moral,
[21]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
high-thinking citizens we could carry on a backstairs
affair for weeks without saying a word about it. We
could lunch and dine together, all three, and not give
anything away by so much as a look.
Gilda: If we were ordinary moral, high-thinking
citizens we shouldn't have had an affair at all.
Leo: Perhaps not. We should have crushed it down.
And the more we crushed it down the more we should
have resented Otto, until we hated him. Just think of
hating Otto
Gilda: Just think of him hating us.
Leo: Do you think he will?
Gilda (inexorably): Yes.
Leo (walking about the room) : Oh, no, no — he mustn't!
It's too silly. He must see how unimportant it is,
really.
Gilda: There's no question of not telling him, is there?
Leo: Of course not.
Gilda: We could pretend that you just arrived here
and missed them on the way.
Leo: So we could, dear — so we could.
Gilda: Do you think we're working each other up?
Do you think we're imagining it to be more serious than
it really is?
Leo: Perhaps.
Gilda: Do you think, after all, he may not mind quite
so dreadfully?
Leo: He'll mind just as much as you or I would under
similar circumstances. Probably a little bit more.
Imagine that for a moment, will you? Put yourself in
his place.
Gilda (hopelessly): Oh, don't!
[22 J
%
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: Tell me one thing. How sorry were you last
night, when once you realized we were in for it?
Gilda: I wasn't sorry at all. I gave way utterly.
Leo: So did I.
Gilda: Very deep inside, I had a qualm or two. Just
once or twice.
Leo: So did I.
Gilda: But I stamped on them, like killing beetles.
Leo: A nice way to describe the pangs of a noble
conscience!
Gilda: I enjoyed it all, see! I enjoyed it thoroughly
from the very first moment. So there!
Leo: All right! All right! So did I.
Gilda (defiantly): It was romantic. Suddenly, vio-
lently romantic! The whole evening was " Gala." You
looked lovely, darling — very smooth and velvety — and
your manner was a dream! I'd forgotten about your
French accent and the way you move your hands, and
the way you dance. A sleek little gigolo!
Leo: You must try not to be bitter, dear.
Gilda: There seemed to be something new about you:
something I'd never realized before. Perhaps it's having
money. Perhaps your success has given you a little
extra glamour.
Leo: Look at me now, sweet! It's quite chilly, this
morning light. How do I appear to you now?
Gilda (gently) : The same.
Leo: So do you, but that's because my eyes are slow
at changing visions. I still see you too clearly last night
to be able to realize how you look this morning. You were
very got up — very got up, indeed, in your green dress and
your earrings. It was "Gala," all right — strong magic!
#
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: Coloured lights, sly music, overhanging trees,
paper streamers — all the trappings.
Leo: Champagne, too, just to celebrate, both of us
hating it.
Gilda: We drank to Otto. Perhaps you remember
that as well?
Leo: Perfectly.
Gilda : How could we? Oh, how could we?
Leo: It seemed quite natural.
Gilda: Yes, but we knew in our hearts what we were
up to. It was vile of us.
Leo: I'll drink Otto's health until the day I die!
Nothing could change that ever.
Gilda: Sentimentalist!
Leo: Deeper than sentiment: far, far deeper. Beyond
the reach of small enchantments.
Gilda: Was that all it was to you? A small enchant-
ment?
Leo : That's all it ever is to anybody, if only they knew.
Gilda: Easy wisdom. Is it a comfort to you?
Leo: Not particularly.
Gilda {viciously): Let's have some more! "Passion's
only transitory," isn't it? "Love is ever fleeting!"
"Time is a great healer." Trot them all out, dear.
Leo: Don't try to quarrel with me.
Gilda: Don't be so wise and assured and knowing,
then. It's infuriating.
Leo: I believe I was more to blame than you, really.
Gilda: Why?
Leo: I made the running.
Gilda: You made the running!
She laughs.
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: A silly pride made me show off to you, parade
my attraction for you, like a mannequin. New spring
model, with a few extra flounces!
Gilda: That's my story, Leo; you can't steal it from
me. I've been wallowing in self-abasement, dragging
out my last night's femininity and spitting on it. I've
taken the blame onto myself for the whole thing. Ernest
was quite shocked; you should have been listening at the
door.
Leo : I was.
Gilda: Good! Then you know how I feel.
Leo : Lot of damned hysteria.
Gilda: Possibly, but heartfelt at the moment.
Leo: Can't we put an end to this flagellation party
now?
Gilda: We might just as well go on with it, it passes
the time.
Leo : Until Otto comes back.
Gilda: Yes. Until Otto comes back.
Leo (walking up and down): I expect jealousy had
something to do with it, too.
Gilda: Jealousy?
Leo: Yes. Subconscious and buried deep, but there
all the same; there for ages, ever since our first meeting
when you chose Otto so firmly.
Gilda: Another of those pleasant little galas! The
awakening of spring! Romance in a cafe! Yes, sir!
"Yes, sir, three bags full!"
Leo: A strange evening. Very gay, if I remember
rightly.
Gilda: Oh, it was gay, deliriously gay, thick with
omens!
[25]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: Perhaps we laughed at them too hard.
Gilda: You and Otto had a row afterwards, didn't
you?
Leo: Yes, a beauty.
Gilda: Blows?
Leo: Ineffectual blows. Otto fell into the bath!
Gilda: Was there any water in it?
Leo: Not at first.
Gilda (beginning to laugh) : Leo, you didn't ?
Leo (also beginning to laugh): Of course I did; it was
the obvious thing to do.
Gilda: Couldn't he get out?
Leo : Every time he tried, I pushed him back.
Gilda (now laughing helplessly): Oh, the poor dar-
ling!
Leo (giving way) : Finally — he — he got wedged
Gilda: This is hysteria! Stop it, stop it
Leo (sinking down at the table with his head in his hands,
roaring with laughter): It — it was a very narrow bath,
far — far — too narrow
Gilda (collapsing at the other side of the table) : Shut up,
for heaven's sake! Shut up — — ■
They are sitting there, groaning with laughter, when
Otto comes into the room.
Otto: Leo!
They both look up, and the laughter dies away from
their faces. Leo rises and comes slowly over to Otto.
He takes both his hands and stands looking at him.
Leo: Hello, Otto.
Otto: Why did you stop laughing so suddenly?
Leo: It's funny how lovely it is to see you.
Otto: Why funny?
[26]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: Where's Ernest?
Otto: He wouldn't come back with me. He darted
off in a taxi very abruptly when we found Leo wasn't at
the hotel. He seemed to be in a fluster.
Leo: Ernest's often in a fluster. It's part of his per-
sonality, I think.
Otto: Ernest hasn't got a personality.
Gilda: Yes, he has; but it's only a very little one,
gentle and prim.
Otto: You've changed, Leo. Your face looks differ-
ent.
Leo: In what way different?
Otto: I don't know, sort of odd.
Leo: I was very seasick on the Mauretania. Perhaps
that changed it.
Gilda: They call the Mauretania "The Greyhound of
the Ocean." I wonder why?
Leo: Because it's too long and too thin and leaps up
and down.
Gilda: Personally, I prefer the Olympic. It's a good-
natured boat and cozy, also it has a Turkish bath.
Leo: I dearly love a Turkish bath.
Otto: Have you both gone crazy?
Leo: Yes. Just for a little.
Otto: What does that mean?
Gilda: Lots of things, Otto. Everything's quite
horrid.
Otto: I'm awfully puzzled. I wish you'd both stop
hinting and tell me what's happened.
Leo: It's serious, Otto. Please try to be wise about it.
Otto (with slight irritation): How the hell can I be
wise about it if I don't know what it is?
t*7J
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo (turning away): Oh, God! This is unbearable!
Otto (fighting against the truth that's dawning on him) :
It wouldn't be what I think it is, would it? I mean,
what's just dropped into my mind. It isn't that, is it?
Gilda: Yes.
Leo: Yes.
Otto (very quietly) : Oh, I see.
Gilda (miserably) : If only you wouldn't look like that.
Otto : I can't see that it matters very much how I look.
Leo: We're — we're both equally to blame.
Otto: When did you arrive? When — when did —
don't you think you'd better tell me a little more?
Leo (swiftly) : I arrived yesterday afternoon, and the
moment I'd left my bags at the hotel I came straight
here, naturally. Gilda and I dined together, and I spent
the night here.
Otto: Oh — oh, did you?
Leo (after a long pause) : Yes, I did.
Otto: This is the second bad entrance I've made this
morning. I don't think I'd better make any more.
Gilda: Otto — darling — please, listen a minute!
Otto: What is there to listen to? What is there for
you to say?
Gilda: Nothing. You're quite right. Nothing at
all.
Otto: Have you planned it? Before, I mean?
Leo: Of course not.
Otto: Was it in your minds?
Leo: Yes. It's been in all our minds, for ages. You
know that.
Otto: You couldn't have controlled yourself? Not
for my sake, alone, but for all that lies between us?
US]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: We could have, I suppose. But we didn't.
Otto (still quiet, but trembling): Instead of meanly
taking advantage of my being away, couldn't you
have waited until I came back, and told me how you
felt?
Leo: Would that have made things any better?
Otto: It would have been honest, at least.
Leo (with sudden violence): Bunk! We're being as
honest as we know how! Chance caught us, as it was
bound to catch us eventually. We were doomed to it
from the very first moment. You don't suppose we en-
joy telling you, do you? You don't suppose I like watch-
ing the pleasure at seeing me fade out of your eyes? If it
wasn't that we loved you deeply, both of us, we'd lie to
you and deceive you indefinitely, rather than inflict this
horror on ourselves.
Otto (his voice rising slightly): And what about the
horror you're inflicting on me?
Gilda: Don't argue, Leo. What's the use of arguing?
Otto: So, you love me, do you? Both of you love me
deeply! I don't want a love that can shut me out and
make me feel more utterly alone than I've ever felt in my
life before.
Gilda: Don't say that — it's not true! You couldn't
be shut out — ever! Not possibly. Hold on to reason
for a moment, for the sake of all of us — hold on to reason!
It's our only chance. We've known this might happen
any day; we've actually discussed it, quite calmly and
rationally, but then there wasn't any emotion mixed up
with it. Now there is, and we've got to fight it. It's
distorting and overbalancing everything — don't you see?
Oh, please, please try to see
[29]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Otto: I see all right. Believe me, I see perfectly!
Gilda: You don't, really — it's hopeless.
Otto: Quite hopeless.
Gilda: It needn't be, if only we can tide over this
moment.
Otto: Why should we tide over this moment? It's a
big moment! Let's make the most of it.
He gives a little laugh.
Leo : I suppose that way of taking it is as good as any.
Gilda: No, it isn't — it isn't.
T)tto: I still find the whole thing a little difficult to
realize completely. You must forgive me for being so
stupid. I see quite clearly; I hear quite clearly; I know
what's happened quite clearly, but I still don't quite
understand.
Leo : What more do you want to understand?
Otto : Were you both drunk?
Gilda: Of course we weren't.
Otto: Then that's ruled out. One thing is still be-
wildering me very much. Quite a small trivial thing
You are both obviously strained and upset and unhappy
at having to tell me. Isn't that so?
Gilda: Yes.
Otto: Then why were you laughing when I came in?
Leo : Oh, what on earth does that matter?
Otto: It matters a lot. It's very interesting.
Leo: It was completely irrelevant. Hysteria. It
had nothing to do with anything.
Otto: Why were you both laughing when I came in?
Leo: It was hysteria, I tell you.
Otto : Were you laughing at me?
Leo {wildly): Yes, we were! We were! We were
[30]
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
laughing at you being wedged in the bath. That's what
we were laughing at.
Gilda: Shut up, Leo! Stop it.
Leo (giving way) : And I shall laugh at that until the
end of my days — I shall roll about on my death bed think-
ing about it — and there are other things I shall laugh at,
too. I shall laugh at you now, in this situation, being
hurt and grieved and immeasurably calm. What right
have you to be hurt and grieved, any more than Gilda
and me? We're having just as bad a time as you are,
probably worse. I didn't stamp about with a martyr's
crown on when you rushed off with her, in the first place;
I didn't look wistful and say I was shut out. And I
don't intend to stand any of that nonsense from you!
What happened between Gilda and me last night is
actually completely unimportant — a sudden flare-up —
and although we've been mutually attracted to each other
for years, it wasn't even based on deep sexual love! It
was just an unpremeditated roll in the hay and we en-
joyed it very much, so there!
Otto (furiously): Well, one thing that magnificent
outburst has done for me is this: I don't feel shut out any
more. Do you hear? Not any more! And I'm ex-
tremely grateful to you. You were right about me being
hurt and grieved. I was. But that's over, too. I've
seen something in you that I've never seen before; in all
these years I've never noticed it — I never realized that,
deep down underneath your superficial charm and wit,
you're nothing but a cheap, second-rate little opportun-
ist, ready to sacrifice anything, however sacred, to the
excitement of the moment
Gilda : Otto ! Otto — listen a minute ; please listen
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Otto (turning to her) : Listen to what? A few garbled
explanations and excuses, fully charged with a hundred-
per-cent feminine emotionalism, appealing to me to hold
on to reason and intelligence as it's "our only chance. ,,
I don't want an "only chance" — I don't want a chance
to do anything but say what I have to say and leave you
both to your own god-damned devices! Where was this
much vaunted reason and intelligence last night? Work-
ing overtime, I'm sure. Working in a hundred small
female ways. I expect your reason and intelligence
prompted you to wear your green dress, didn't it? With
the emerald earrings? And your green shoes, too, al-
though they hurt you when you dance. Reason must
have whispered kindly in your ear on your way back here
in the taxi. It must have said, "Otto's in Bordeaux,
and Bordeaux is a long way away, so everything will be
quite safe!" That's reason, all right — pure reason
Gilda (collapsing at the table) : Stop it! Stop it! How
can you be so cruel! How can you say such vile
things?
Otto (without a break) : I hope "intelligence" gave you
a little extra jab and suggested that you lock the door?
In furtive, underhand affairs doors are always locked
Leo: Shut up, Otto. What's the use of going on like
that?
Otto: Don't speak to me — old, old Loyal Friend that
you are! Don't speak to me, even if you have the cour-
age, and keep out of my sight from now onwards
Leo: Bravo, Deathless Drama!
Otto: Wrong again. Lifeless Comedy. You've set
me free from a stale affection that must have died ages
ago without my realizing it. Go ahead, my boy, and do
Act i DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
great things! You've already achieved a Hotel de Luxe,
a few smart suits, and the woman I loved. Go ahead,
maybe there are still higher peaks for you to climb.
Good luck, both of you! Wonderful luck! I wish you
were dead and in hell!
He slams out of the room as the curtain falls.
END OF ACT ONE
[33]
ACT TWO
Scene I
ACT TWO: Scene I
The scene is Leo's flat in London. It is only a rented
flat but very comfortably furnished. Two French
windows at the back open onto a small balcony, which,
in turn, overlooks a square. It is several floors up, so
only the tops of trees can be seen; these are brown and
losing their leaves, as it is autumn. Down stage, on
the Right, are double doors leading to the hall. Above
these, a small door leads to the kitchen. On the Left, up
stage, another door leads to the bedroom and bathroom.
There is a large picture of Gilda, painted by Otto,
hanging on the wall. The furniture may be left to the
producer's discrimination.
Discovered: When the curtain rises, it is about ten-thirty
in the morning. Eighteen months have passed since A ct
One. The room is strewn with newspapers. Gilda is
lying on the sofa, reading one; Leo is lying face down-
wards on the floor, reading another one.
Leo {rolling over on his back and flinging the paper in the
air): It's a knockout! It's magnificent! It'll run a
year.
Gilda: Two years.
Leo: Three years.
Gilda: Four years, five years, six years! It'll run
for ever. Old ladies will be trampled to death struggling
[37\
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
to get into the pit. Women will have babies regularly
in the upper circle bar during the big scene at the end of
the second act
Leo {complacently) : Regularly as clockwork.
Gilda: The Daily Mail says it's daring and dramatic
and witty.
Leo: The Daily Express says it's disgusting.
Gilda: I should be cut to the quick if it said anything
else.
Leo: The Daily Mirror, I regret to say, is a trifle carp-
ing.
Gilda: Getting uppish, I see. Naughty little thing!
Leo {reading the Daily Mirror): " Change and Decay
is gripping throughout. The characterization falters
here and there, but the dialogue is polished and sustains a
high level from first to last and is frequently witty, nay,
even brilliant "
Gilda: I love "Nay."
Leo {still reading): "But" — here we go, dear! — "But
the play, on the whole, is decidedly thin."
Gilda: My God! They've noticed it.
Leo (jumping up): Thin — thin! What do they mean
"thin"?
Gilda: Just thin, darling. Thin's thin all the world
over and you can't get away from it.
Leo: Would you call it thin?
Gilda: Emaciated.
Leo: I shall write fat plays from now onwards.. Fat
plays filled with very fat people!
Gilda: You mustn't let your vibrations be upset by
the Daily Mirror. It means to be kind. That's why
one only looks at the pictures.
[38]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: The Daily Sketch is just as bad.
Gilda {gently) : Just as good, dear — just as good.
Leo: Let's have another look at Old Father Times,
Gilda: It's there, behind the Telegraph.
Leo {glancing through it) : Noncommittal, but amiable.
A minute, if slightly inaccurate, description of the plot.
Gilda {rising and looking over his shoulder): Only a
few of the names wrong.
Leo: They seem to have missed the main idea of the
play.
Gilda: You mustn't grumble; they say the lines are
provocative.
Leo: What could they mean by that?
Gilda: Anyhow, you can't expect a paper like the
Times to be really interested in your petty little ex-
cursions in the theatre. After all, it is the organ of the
nation.
Leo : That sounds vaguely pornographic to me.
The telephone rings.
Leo {answering it) : Hallow! Hallow — 'oo is it speak-
ing? — H'if — if you will kaindly 'old the line for a moment,
h'l will ascertain.
He places his hand over the receiver.
Lady Brevell!
Gilda: Tell her to go to hell.
Leo: It's the third time she's rung up this morning.
Gilda: No restraint. That's what's wrong with
Society nowadays.
Leo {at telephone again): Hallow, hallow! — I am seu
very sorry but Mr. Mercure is not awake yet. 'E 'ad a
very tiring night what with one thing and another. H'is
there any message? — Lunch on the third — or dinner on
[39]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
the seventh. — Yes, I'll write it daown — not at all! —
Thenk you.
Gilda (seriously) : How do you feel about all that?
Leo: Amused.
Gilda: I'm not sure that I do.
Leo: It's only funny, really.
Gilda: Yes, but dangerous.
Leo: Are you frightened that my silly fluffy little
head will be turned?
Gilda: No, not exactly, but it makes me uncomfort-
able, this snatching that goes on. Success is far more
perilous than failure, isn't it? You've got to be doubly
strong and watchful and wary.
Leo: Perhaps I shall survive.
Gilda: You'll survive all right, in the long run — I
don't doubt that for a moment. It's me I was worrying
about.
Leo: Why?
Gilda: Not me, alone. Us.
Leo: Oh, I see.
Gilda: Maybe I'm jealous of you. I never thought
of that.
Leo: Darling, don't be silly!
Gilda: Last year was bad enough. This is going to
be far worse.
Leo: Why be scared?
Gilda: Where do we go from here? That's what I
want to know.
Leo: How would you feel about getting married?
Gilda (laughing): It's not that, dear!
Leo: I know it isn't, but
Gilda: But what?
Uo]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: It might be rather fun. We'd get a lot more
presents now than if we'd done it before.
Gilda: A very grand marriage. St. Margaret's,
Westminster?
Leo: Yes, with a tremendous "do" at Claridge's after-
wards.
Gilda: The honeymoon would be thrilling, wouldn't
it? Just you and me, alone, rinding out about each
other.
Leo: I'd be very gentle with you, very tender.
Gilda: You'd get a sock in the jaw, if you were!
Leo (shocked): Oh, how volgar! How inexpressibly
volgar!
Gilda: It's an enjoyable idea to play with, isn't it?
Leo: Let's do it.
Gilda: Stop! Stop, stop — you're rushing me off my
feet!
Leo: No, but seriously, it's a much better plan than
you think. It would ease small social situations enor-
mously. The more successful I become, the more compli-
cated everything's going to get. Let's do it, Gilda.
Gilda: No.
Leo: Why not?
Gilda: It wouldn't do. Really, it wouldn't.
Leo: I think you're wrong.
Gilda: It doesn't matter enough about the small
social situations, those don't concern me much, anyway.
They never have and they never will. I shouldn't feel
cozy, married! It would upset my moral principles.
Leo: Doesn't the Eye of Heaven mean anything to
you?
Gilda: Only when it winks!
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: God knows, it ought to wink enough at our mar-
riage.
Gilda: Also, there's another thing.
Leo: What?
Gilda: Otto.
Leo: Otto!
Gilda: Yes. I think he'd hate it.
Leo: I wonder if he would.
Gilda: I believe so. There'd be no reason for him to,
really; but I believe he would.
Leo : If only he'd appear again we could ask him.
Gilda: He will, sooner or later; he can't go on being
cross for ever.
Leo: Funny, about Otto.
Gilda: Screamingly funny.
Leo: Do you love him still?
Gilda: Of course. Don't you?
Leo (sighing): Yes.
Gilda: We couldn't not love Otto, really.
Leo: Could you live with him again?
Gilda: No, I don't think so; that part of it's dead.
Leo : We were right, weren't we? Unconditionally right.
Gilda-: Yes. I wish it hadn't been so drastic, though,
and violent and horrid. I hated him being made so un-
happy.
Leo: We weren't any too joyful ourselves, at first.
Gilda: Conscience gnawing at our vitals.
Leo : Do you think — do you think he'll ever get over
it, enough for us all to be together again?
Gilda (with sudden vehemence) : I don't want all to be
together again.
The telephone rings.
[42]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: Damn!
Gilda {humming): Oh, Death, where is thy sting-a-
ling-a-ling
Leo {at telephone) : Hallow! Hallow — Neo, I'm afraid
he's eout.
He hangs up.
Gilda: Why don't you let Miss Hodge answer the
telephone? It would save you an awful lot of trouble.
Leo: Do you think she could?
Gilda: I don't see why not ; she seems in full possession
of most of her faculties.
Leo: Where is she?
Gilda: She's what's known as "doing the bed-
Leo {calling) : Miss Hodge — Miss Hodge
Gilda: We ought to have a valet in a white coat,
really. Think if television came in suddenly, and
everyone who rang up was faced with Miss Hodge!
Miss Hodge enters. She is dusty and extremely
untidy.
Miss Hodge: Did you call?
Leo: Yes, Miss Hodge.
Miss Hodge : I was doing the bedroom.
Leo: Yes, I know you were and I'm sorry to disturb
you, but I have a favour to ask you.
Miss Hodge {suspiciously) : Favour?
Leo: Yes. Every time the telephone rings, will you
answer it for me?
Miss Hodge {with dignity) : If I 'appen to be where I
can 'ear it, I will with pleasure.
Leo: Thank you very much. Just ask who it is
speaking and tell them to hold the line.
143)
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Miss Hodge: 'Ow long for?
Leo: Until you've told me.
Miss Hodge: All right.
She goes back into the bedroom.
Leo: I fear no good will come of that.
Gilda: Do you think while I am here alone in the
evenings, when you are rushing madly from party to
party, I might find out about Miss Hodge's inner
life?
The telephone rings.
Leo: There now!
They both wait while the telephone continues to ring.
Gilda {sadly): Two valets in two white coats, that's
what we need, and a secretary and an upper house-
maid!
The telephone continues to ring.
Leo: Perhaps I'd better answer it, after all.
Gilda: No, let it ring. I love the tone.
Miss Hodge comes flying in breathlessly, and
rushes to the telephone.
Miss Hodge {at telephone): 'Alio! 'Alio! 'Allo-'allo-
'allo-'allo!
Gilda: This is getting monotonous.
Miss Hodge {continuing) : 'Alio, 'alio — 'alio ! 'Allo-
Gilda {conversationally) : Tell me, Mr. Mercure, what
do you think of the modern girl?
Leo {politely) : A silly bitch.
Gilda: How cynical!
Miss Hodge: . . . 'alio, 'alio, 'alio, 'alio — 'Alio!
'Alio
She turns to them despondently.
There don't seem to be anyone there.
[44]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: Never mind, Miss Hodge. We mustn't hope for
too much, at first. Thank you very much.
Miss Hodge: Not at all, sir.
She goes out again.
Gilda: I feel suddenly irritated.
Leo: Why?
Gilda: I don't know. Reaction, I expect, after the
anxiety of the last few days. Now it's all over and every-
thing seems rather blank. How happy are you, really?
Leo: Very, I think.
Gilda: I don't work hard enough, not nearly hard
enough; I've only done four houses for four silly women
since we've been in England.
Leo : Monica Jevon wants you to do hers the moment
she comes back.
Gilda: That'll make the fifth silly woman.
Leo: She's not so particularly silly.
Gilda: She's nice, really, nicer than most of them, I
suppose. Oh, dear!
Leo: Cigarette?
He throws her one.
Gilda: Ernest was right.
Leo: How do you mean? When?
Gilda: Ages ago. He said my life was untidy. And
it is untidy. At this moment it's untidier than ever.
Perhaps you're wise about our marrying; perhaps it
would be a good thing. I'm developing into one of
those tedious unoccupied women, who batten on men and
spoil everything for them. I'm spoiling the excitement
of your success for you now by being tiresome and
gloomy.
Leo: Do you think marriage would automatically
Us]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
transform you into a busy, high-spirited Peg-o'-My-
Heart?
Gilda: Something's missing, and I don't know what it
is.
Leo: Don't you?
Gilda: No. Do you?
Leo: Yes, I do. I know perfectly well what's miss-
ing
The telephone rings again,
Gilda: I'll do it this time.
She goes to the telephone.
Hallo! Yes. — Oh, yes, of course! How do you do? —
Yes, he's here, I'll call him. — What? — I'm sure he'd love
to. — That's terribly sweet of you, but I'm afraid I can't.
— No, I've got to go to Paris. — No, only for a few
days.
Leo: Who is it?
Gilda {with her hand over the receiver) : Mrs. Borrow-
dale. She wants you for the week-end. — (Into telephone
again) : Here he is.
Leo (taking telephone) : Hallo, Marion. — Yes, wasn't it
marvellous? — Terrified out of my seven senses. — What?
— Well, I'm not sure
Gilda (hissing at him): Yes, you are — quite sure!
Leo: Just hold on one minute while I look at my
book. —
He puts his hand over the receiver.
What will you do if I go?
Gilda: Commit suicide immediately, don't be so
silly
Leo: Why didn't you accept, too? She asked you.
Gilda: Because I don't want to go.
U6\
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo (at telephone): No, there isn't a thing down for
Saturday. I'd love to come. — Yes, that'll be grand. —
Good-bye.
He comes over to Gilda.
Why don't you want to come? She's awfully amusing,
and the house is lovely.
Gilda: It's much better for you to go alone.
Leo: All right. Have it your own way.
Gilda: Don't think I'm being tiresome again, there's a
darling! I just couldn't make the effort — that's the
honest-to-God reason. I'm no good at house parties; I
never was.
Leo: Marion's house parties are different. You can
do what you like and nobody worries you.
Gilda: I can never find what I like in other people's
houses, and everybody worries me.
Leo: I suppose I must be more gregarious than you.
I enjoy meeting new people.
Gilda: I enjoy meeting new people, too, but not
second-hand ones.
Leo: As I said before, Marion's house parties are ex-
tremely amusing. She doesn't like "second-hand"
people, as you call them, any more than you do. Inci-
dentally, she's a very intelligent woman herself and ex-
ceedingly good company.
Gilda: I never said she wasn't intelligent, and I'm
sure she's excellent company. She has to be. It's her
job.
Leo: That was a cheap gibe — thoroughly cheap
The telephone rings again. Miss Hodge sur-
prisingly appears almost at once. They sit silent
while she answers it.
[47]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Miss Hodge {at telephone) : 'Alio ! 'Alio — yes
She holds out the telephone to Leo.
'Ere, it's for you.
Leo {hopelessly) : Dear God!
He takes it and Miss Hodge goes out.
Hallo! — Yes, speaking. — Evening Standard? — Oh, all
right, send him up.
Gilda: This is a horrible morning.
Leo: I'm sorry.
Gilda: You needn't be. It isn't your fault.
Leo : Yes, it is, I'm afraid. I happen to have written
a successful play.
Gilda {exasperated) : Oh, really
She turns away.
Leo: Well, it's true, isn't it? That's what's upsetting
you?
Gilda: Do you honestly think that?
Leo: I don't know. I don't know what to think.
This looks like a row but it hasn't even the virtue of being
a new row. We've had it before several times, and just
lately more than ever. It's inevitable that the more
successful I become, the more people will run after me.
I don't believe in their friendship, and I don't take them
seriously, but I enjoy them. Probably a damn sight
more than they enjoy me! I enjoy the whole thing.
I've worked hard for it all my life. Let them all come!
They'll drop me, all right, when they're tired of me; but
maybe I shall get tired first.
Gilda: I hope you will.
Leo: What does it matter, anyhow?
Gilda: It matters a lot.
Leo: I don't see why.
US]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: They waste your time, these ridiculous celeb-
rity hunters, and they sap your vitality.
Leo: Let them! I've got lots of time and lots of
vitality.
Gilda: That's bravado. You're far too much of an
artist to mean that, really.
Leo: I'm far too much of an artist to be taken in by
the old cliche of shutting out the world and living for my
art alone. There's just as much bunk in that as there is
in a cocktail party at the Ritz.
Gilda: Something's gone. Don't you see?
Leo: Of course something's gone. Something always
goes. The whole business of living is a process of read-
justments. What are you mourning for? The dear old
careless days of the Quartier Latin, when Laife was
Laife!
Gilda: Don't be such a fool!
Leo: Let's dress up poor, and go back and pretend,
shall we?
Gilda: Why not? That, at least, would be a definite
disillusionment.
Leo : Certainly, it would. Standing over the skeletons
of our past delights and trying to kick them to life again.
That wouldn't be wasting time, would it?
Gilda: We needn't go back, or dress up poor, in order
to pretend. We can pretend here. Among all this
(She kicks the newspapers.) With the trumpets blowing
and the flags flying and the telephone ringing, we can still
pretend. We can pretend that we're happy.
She goes out of the room as the telephone rings.
Leo stands looking after her for a moment, and then
goes to the desk.
[49]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo (at telephone): Hallo! — What? — Yes, speaking. —
Very well, I'll hold the line
Miss Hodge comes in from the hall.
Miss Hodge: There's a gentleman to see you. He
says he's from the Evening Standard.
Leo : Show him in.
Miss Hodge goes out.
Leo (at telephone): Hallo— yes! Hallo there, how are
you? Of course, for hours, reading the papers. — Yes, all
of them marvellous
Mr. Birbeck enters. Leo motions him to sit down.
I'm so glad — it was thrilling, wasn't it? — Did he really?
That's grand! — Nonsense, it's always nice to hear things
like that— of course, I'd love to. — Black tie or white tie —
no tie at all! That'll be much more comfortable. —
Good-bye. — What? — No, really? So soon? You'll know
it by heart. — Yes, rather. — Good-bye !
He hangs up the telephone.
I'm so sorry.
Mr. Birbeck (shaking hands) : I'm from the Standard.
Leo: Yes, I know.
Mr. Birbeck: I've brought a photographer. I hope
you don't mind? We thought a little study of you in
your own home would be novel and interesting.
Leo (bitterly) : I'm sure it would.
Mr. BntBECK: First of all, may I ask you a few ques-
tions?
Leo: Certainly, go ahead. Cigarette?
Mr. Birbeck : No, thank you. I'm not a smoker myself.
Leo (taking one and lighting it) : I am.
Mr. Birbeck (producing notebook): This is not your
first play, is it?
[So]
Act h DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: No, my seventh. Two of them have been pro-
duced in London within the last three years.
Mr. Birbeck: What were their names?
Leo: The Swift River and Mrs. Draper.
Mr. Birbeck: How do you spell "Mrs. Draper"?
Leo: The usual way — m rs draper.
Mr. Birbeck: Do you care for sport?
Leo: Yes, madly.
Mr. Birbeck: Which particular sport do you like
best?
Leo: No particular one. I'm crazy about them all.
Mr. Birbeck: I see.
He writes.
Do you believe the talkies will kill the theatre?
Leo: No. I think they'll kill the talkies.
Mr. Birbeck (laughing): That's very good, that is!
It really is.
Leo: Not as good as all that.
Mr. Birbeck: There's a question that interests our
lady readers very much
Leo: What's that?
Mr. Birbeck: What is your opinion of the modern
girl?
Leo (without flinching): Downright; straightforward;
upright.
Mr. Birbeck: You approve of the modern girl, then?
Leo : I didn't say so.
Mr. Birbeck: What are your ideas on marriage?
Leo: Garbled.
Mr. Birbeck: That's good, that is. Very good!
Leo (rising) : Don't put it, though — don't write down
any of this interview; come and see me again.
ISi]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Mr. Birbeck: Why, what's wrong?
Leo: The whole thing's wrong, Mr.
Mr. Birbeck: Birbeck.
Leo: Mr. Birbeck. The whole business is grotesque.
Don't you see how grotesque it is?
Mr. Birbeck: I'm afraid I don't understand.
Leo: Don't you ever feel sick inside when you have to
ask those questions?
Mr. Birbeck: No, why should I?
Leo: Will you do me a very great favour?
Mr. Birbeck: What is it?
Leo: Call in your photographer. Photograph me —
and leave me alone.
Mr. Birbeck (of ended) : Certainly.
Leo: Don't think me rude. I'm just rather tired,
that's all.
Mr. Birbeck: I quite understand.
He goes out into the hall and returns in a moment
with the photographer.
Where do you think would be best?
Leo: Wherever you say.
Mr. Birbeck: Just here?
Leo (taking his stand just in front of the desk) : All
right.
Mr. Birbeck: Perhaps I could come and see you
again sometime when you're not so tired?
Leo: Yes, of course. Telephone me.
Mr. Birbeck: Tomorrow?
Leo: Yes, tomorrow.
Mr. Birbeck: About eleven?
Leo: Yes. About eleven.
Mr. Birbeck: Now, then — are you ready?
[52\
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda comes out of the bedroom, dressed for the
street. She goes over to Leo and puts her arms round
his neck.
Gilda: I'm going to do a little shopping {Then
softly) : Sorry, darling
Leo: All right, sweet.
Gilda goes out.
Mr. Birbeck: Just a little smile!
Leo smiles as the curtain falls.
end of act two: scene i
[S3]
ACT TWO
Scene II
ACT TWO: Scene II
The scene is the same, a few days later.
It is evening, and Miss Hodge has just finished
laying a cold supper on a bridge table in front of the
sofa. She regards it thoughtfully for a moment, and
then goes to the bedroom door.
Miss Hodge : Your supper's all ready, ma'am.
Gilda {in bedroom): Thank you, Miss Hodge. I
shan't want you any more tonight, then.
Miss Hodge goes off into the kitchen. Gilda
comes out of the bedroom. She is wearing pyjamas and
a dressing gown. She goes over to the desk, on which
there is a parcel of books. She undoes the parcel and
scrutinizes the books, humming happily to herself as
she does so. Miss Hodge reenters from the kitchen,
this time in her coat and hat.
Gilda: Hello, Miss Hodge! I thought you'd gone.
Miss Hodge: I was just putting on me 'at. I think
you'll find everything you want there.
Gilda: I'm sure I shall. Thank you.
Miss Hodge: Not at all; it's a pleasure, I'm sure.
Gilda: Oh, Miss Hodge, do you think it would be a
good idea if Mr. Mercure and I got married?
Miss Hodge : I thought you was married.
Gilda : Oh, I'd forgotten. We never told you, did we?
[57]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Miss Hodge: You certainly didn't.
Gilda: Well, we're not.
Miss Hodge {thoughtfully) : Oh, I see.
Gilda: Are you shocked?
Miss Hodge : It's no affair of mine, ma'am — miss.
Gilda: What do you think about marriage?
Miss Hodge: Not very much, miss, having had a
basinful meself , in a manner of speaking.
Gilda (surprised): What!
Miss Hodge: Hodge is my maiden name. I took it
back in — in disgust, if you know what I mean.
Gilda: Have you been married much, then?
Miss Hodge: Twice, all told.
Gilda : Where are your husbands now?
Miss Hodge: One's dead, and the other's in New-
castle.
Gilda (smiling) : Oh.
Miss Hodge: Well, I'll be getting 'ome now, if there's
nothing else you require?
Gilda: No, there's nothing else, thank you. Good-
night.
Miss Hodge: Good-night, miss.
Miss Hodge goes out. Gilda laughs to herself;
pours herself out a glass of Sherry from the bottle on the
table, and settles onto the sofa with the books. Otto
comes in from the hall and stands in the doorway,
looking at her.
Otto: Hallo, Gilda!
Gilda (turning sharply and staring at him): It's not
true!
Otto (coming into the room) : Here we are again!
Gilda: Oh, Otto!
[58]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Otto : Are you pleased?
Gilda: I don't quite know yet.
Otto : Make up your mind, there's a dear.
Gilda: I'll try. *
Otto : Where's Leo?
Gilda: Away. He went away this afternoon.
Otto: This seems a very nice flat.
Gilda: It is. You can see right across to the other
side of the square on a clear day.
Otto: I've only just arrived.
Gilda: Where from?
Otto: New York. I had an exhibition there.
Gilda: Was it successful?
Otto: Very, thank you.
Gilda: I've decided quite definitely now: I'm ecstati-
cally pleased to see you.
Otto: That's lovely.
Gilda: How did you get in?
Otto: I met an odd-looking woman going out. She
opened the door for me.
Gilda: That was Miss Hodge. She's had two hus-
bands.
Otto: I once met a woman who'd had four husbands.
Gilda: Aren't you going to take off your hat and coat?
Otto : Don't you like them?
Gilda: Enormously. It was foolish of me to ask
whether your exhibition was successful. I can see it was !
Your whole personality reeks of it.
Otto {taking of his hat and coat) : I'm disappointed
that Leo isn't here.
Gilda: He'll be back on Monday.
Otto: How is he, please?
[59\
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Gilda: Awfully well.
Otto: Oh, dear! Oh, dear, oh, dear — I feel very
funny! I feel as if I were going to cry, and I don't want
to cry a bit.
Gilda: Let's both cry, just a little!
Otto: Darling, darling Gilda!
They rush into each other's arms and hug each other.
Otto: It's all, all right now, isn't it?
Gilda: More than all right.
Otto: I was silly to stay away so long, wasn't I?
Gilda: That was what Leo meant the other morning
when he said he knew what was missing.
Otto: Me?
Gilda: Of course.
Otto: I'm terribly glad he said that.
Gilda: We were having a row, trying to find out why
we weren't quite as happy as we should be.
Otto: Do you have many rows?
Gilda: Quite a lot, every now and then.
Otto: As many as we used to?
Gilda: About the same. There's a bit of trouble on
at the moment, really. He's getting too successful and
sought after. I'm worried about him.
Otto: You needn't be. It won't touch him — inside.
Gilda: I'm afraid, all the same; they're all so shrill
and foolish, clacking at him.
Otto: I read about the play in the train. It's a riot,
isn't it?
Gilda: Capacity — every performance.
Otto: Is it good?
Gilda: Yes, I think so.
Otto: Only think so?
[60]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Gilda: Three scenes are first rate, especially the last
act. The beginning of the second act drags a bit, and
most of the first act's too facile — you know what I mean
— he flips along with easy swift dialogue, but doesn't
go deep enough. It's all very well played.
Otto: We'll go on Monday night.
Gilda: Will you stay, now that you've come back?
Otto: I expect so. It depends on Leo.
Gilda: Oh!
Otto: He may not want me to.
Gilda: I think he'll want you to, even more than I do!
Otto: Why do you say that?
Gilda: I don't know. It came up suddenly, like a
hiccup.
Otto: I feel perfectly cozy about the whole business
now, you know — no trailing ends of resentment — I'm
clear and clean, a newly washed lamb, bleating for
Company!
Gilda: Would you like some Sherry?
Otto: Very much indeed.
Gilda: Here, have my glass. I'll get another. We'll
need another plate as well and a knife and fork.
Otto {looking over the table): Cold ham, salad; what's
that blob in the pie dish?
Gilda: Cold rice pudding. Delicious! You can have
jam with it and cream.
Otto {without enthusiasm) : How glorious.
Gilda runs into the kitchen and returns in a moment
with plate and knife and fork, etc.
Gilda: Here we are!
Otto: I expected more grandeur.
Gilda: Butlers and footmen?
[6i\
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Otto: Yes, just a few. Concealed lighting, too.
There's something a thought sordid about that lamp over
there. Did you decorate this room?
Gilda: You know perfectly well I didn't.
Otto: Well, you should.
Gilda: Do you want anything stronger to drink than
Sherry?
Otto: No, Sherry's all right. It's gentle and refined,
and imparts a discreet glow. Of course, I'm used to
having biscuits with it.
Gilda: There aren't any biscuits.
Otto {magnificently) : It doesn't matter.
Gilda: Do sit down, darling.
Otto {drawing up a chair): What delicious-looking
ham! Where did you get it?
Gilda: I have it specially sent from Scotland.
Otto: Why Scotland?
Gilda: It lives there when it's alive.
Otto: A bonny country, Scotland, if all I've heard is
correct, what with the banshees wailing and the four-
leaved shamrock.
Gilda: That's Ireland, dear.
Otto: Never mind. The same wistful dampness dis-
tinguishes them both.
Gilda {helping him to ham) : I knew you'd arrive soon.
Otto {helping her to salad): Where's Leo gone, ex-
actly?
Gilda: Smart house party in Hampshire. Bridge,
backgammon, several novelists, and a squash court that
nobody uses.
Otto: The Decoration of Life — that's what that is.
Gilda: Slightly out of drawing, but terribly amusing.
[62]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Otto: It won't last long. Don't worry.
Gilda: Tell me where you've been, please, and what
you've seen and what you've done. Is your painting
still good, or has it deteriorated just a little? I'm suspi-
cious, you see! Dreadfully suspicious of people liking
things too much — things that matter, I mean. There's
too much enthusiasm for Art going on nowadays. It
smears out the highlights.
Otto : You're certainly in a state, aren't you?
Gilda: Yes, I am. And it's getting worse.
Otto: Turbulent! Downright turbulent.
Gilda: There isn't any mustard.
Otto: Never mind: I don't want any, do you?
Gilda: I don't know, really. I'm always a little un-
decided about mustard.
Otto: It might pep up the rice pudding!
Gilda: Strange, isn't it? This going on where we left
off?
Otto: Not quite where we left off, thank God.
Gilda: Wasn't it horrible?
Otto: I was tortured with regrets for a long while. I
felt I ought to have knocked Leo down.
Gilda: I'm awfully glad you didn't. He hates being
knocked down.
Otto: Then, of course, he might have retaliated and
knocked me down !
Gilda: You're bigger than he is.
Otto: He's more wiry. He once held me in the bath
for twenty minutes while he poured cold water over me.
Gilda (laughing): Yes, I know!
Otto (laughing too): Oh, of course — that's what you
were both laughing at when I came in that day, wasn't it?
[6 3 \
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Gilda {weakly) : Yes, it was very, very unfortunate.
Otto: An unkind trick of Fate's, to have dropped it
into your minds just then.
Gilda: It made a picture, you see — an unbearably
comic picture — we were both terribly strained and un-
happy; our nerves were stretched like elastic, and that
snapped it.
Otto: I think that upset me more than anything.
Gilda: You might have known it wasn't you we were
laughing at. Not you, yourself.
Otto: It's exactly a hundred and twenty-seven years
ago today.
Gilda: A hundred and twenty-eight.
Otto: We've grown up since then.
Gilda: I do hope so, just a little.
Otto: I went away on a freight boat, you know. I
went for thousands of miles and I was very unhappy in-
deed.
Gilda: And very seasick, I should think.
Otto: Only the first few days.
Gilda: Not steadily?
Otto: As steadily as one can be seasick.
Gilda: Do you know a lot about ships now?
Otto: Not a thing. The whole business still puzzles
me dreadfully. I know about starboard and port, of
course, and all the different bells; but no one has yet been
able to explain to me satisfactorily why, the first moment
a rough sea occurs, the whole thing doesn't turn upside
down!
Gilda: Were you frightened?
Otto: Petrified, but I got used to it.
Gilda: Was it an English ship?
[64]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Otto: No, Norwegian. I can say, "How do you do?"
in Norwegian.
Gilda: We must get to know some Norwegian people
immediately, so that you can say "How do you do?" to
them. — Where are your pictures?
Otto: Not unpacked yet. They're at the Carlton.
Gilda: The Carlton! You haven't gone "grand" on
me, too, have you?
Otto: I have, indeed. I've got several commissions
to do portraits here in London. The very best people.
I only paint the very best people.
Gilda {almost snappily) : They have such interesting
faces, haven't they?
Otto (reproachfully) : I don't paint their faces, Gilda.
Fourth dimensional, that's what I am. I paint their
souls.
Gilda: You'd have to be eighth dimensional and clair-
voyant to find them.
Otto: I'm grieved to see that Leo has done little or
nothing towards taming your proud revolutionary spirit.
Gilda: He's inflamed it.
Otto: I know what's wrong with you, my sweet.
You're just the concentrated essence of "Love Among
the Artists."
Gilda: I think that was unkind.
Otto: If you were creative yourself you'd understand
better. As it is, you know a lot. You know an awful lot.
Your critical faculty is first rate. I'd rather have your
opinion on paintings or books or plays than anyone else's
I know. But you're liable to get sidetracked if you're
not careful. Life is for living first and foremost. Even
for artists, life is for living. Remember that.
[6S]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Gilda: You have grown up, haven't you?
Otto: In the beginning, when we were all in Paris,
everything was really very much easier to manage, even
our emotional problems. Leo and I were both struggling,
a single line was in both our minds leading to success —
that's what we were planning for, working like dogs for!
You helped us both, jostling us onto the line again when
we slipped off, and warming us when we were cold in dis-
couragement. You picked on me to love a little bit more,
because you decided, rightly then, that I was the weaker.
They were very happy, those days, and glamour will
always cling to them in our memories. But don't be
misled by them; don't make the mistake of trying to re-
capture the spirit of them. That's dead, along with our
early loves and dreams and quarrels, and all the rest of
the foolishness.
Gilda: I think I want to cry again.
Otto: There's nothing like a good cry.
Gilda: You can't blame me for hating success, when
it changes all the — the things I love best.
Otto: Things would have changed, anyhow. It
isn't only success that does it — it's time and experience
andjnew circumstances.
Gilda {bitterly): Was it the Norwegians that taught
you this still wisdom? They must be wonderful people.
Otto {gently): No, I was alone. I just sat quietly
and looked at everything.
Gilda: I see.
Otto: Would you fancy a little more salad?
Gilda: No, thank you.
Otto: Then it's high time we started on the cold rice
pudding.
[66]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Gilda: I see one thing clearly.
Otto {smiling): What?
Gild a: I'm not needed any more.
Otto : I thought you were going to say that.
Gilda: It's what you meant me to say, isn't it?
Otto : We shall always need each other, all three of us.
Gilda: Nonsense! The survival of the fittest — that's
what counts.
Otto : Do have some rice pudding?
Gilda: To hell with you and the rice pudding!
Otto {helping himself): Hard words. Hard, cruel
words!
Gilda: You're so sure of yourself, aren't you? You're
both so sure of yourselves, you and Leo. Getting what
you want must be terribly gratifying!
Otto {unruffled) : It is.
Gilda {suddenly smiling): Do you remember how I
used to rail and roar against being feminine?
Otto: Yes, dear. You were very noisy about the
whole business.
Gilda: I'm suddenly glad about it for the first time.
Do you want some jam with that?
Otto: What sort of jam is it?
Gilda: Strawberry, I think.
Otto: Of course, I'm used to having dark plum with
rice pudding, but I'll make do with strawberry.
Gilda: I'll get it!
She goes into the kitchen. The telephone rings.
Otto answers it.
Otto {at telephone): Hallo! — Hallo — yes, speaking. —
Didn't you recognize my voice? — How absurd! It must
be a bad line. — Dinner on the seventh? Yes, I should
{67]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
love to. — You don't mind if I come as Marie Antoinette,
do you? I have to go to a fancy dress ball. — Where?
Oh, my aunt is giving it — yes, in a bad house, she runs
a whole chain of them, you know! — Thank you so
much.
He hangs up the telephone.
Gilda {reentering): I put it into a glass dish. Who
was that?
Otto: Somebody called Brevell, Lady Brevell. She
wants Leo to dine on the seventh. I accepted.
Gilda: Good! You can both go. I'm sure she'd be
delighted.
Otto {sitting down again) : What! No cream?
Gilda: It was a delusion about the cream. I thought
there was a lot, but there isn't a drop.
Otto: I think you've improved in looks really with the
passing of the years.
Gilda: How sweet, Otto! I'm so pleased.
Otto: Your skin, for instance. Your skin's much
better.
Gilda: It ought to be, I've been taking a lot of trouble
with it.
Otto: What sort of trouble?
Gilda: Oh, just having it pushed and rubbed and
slapped about.
Otto: Funny, how much in love with you I was!
Gilda f We'll have a good laugh about it when you've
finished your pudding.
Otto: What's happened to Ernest?
Gilda: He's been away, too, a long way away; he
went on a world cruise with a lot of old ladies in straw
hats!
[68]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Otto: Dear little Ernest!
Gilda: I saw him a few weeks ago, then he went back
to Paris.
Otto: An odd life. Sterile, don't you think?
Gilda: You've certainly emancipated yourself into a
grand complacency.
Otto: If you're unkind to me, I shall go back to the
Carlton.
Gilda: Have you got a suite, or just a common bed-
room and bath?
Otto: Darling, I do love you so very much!
Gilda: A nice comfortable love, without heart throbs.
Otto: Are you trying to lure me to your wanton bed?
Gilda: What would you do if I did?
Otto: Probably enjoy it very much.
Gilda: I doubt if I should.
Otto: Have I changed so dreadfully?
Gilda (maliciously) : It isn't you that's changed — it's
time and experience and new circumstances!
Otto (rising): I've finished my supper. It wasn't
very good but it sufficed. I should now like a whiskey
and soda.
Gilda: It's in that thing over there.
Otto (getting it out) : It is a thing, isn't it? Do you
want one?
Gilda: No, I don't think so.
Otto: Just a little one?
Gilda: All right.
Otto (pouring them out): If we were bored, we could
always go to the pictures, couldn't we?
Gilda: It's too late; we shouldn't get in to anything
that's worth seeing.
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Otto: Oh, how disappointing! How very, very, very
disappointing!
Gilda: Personally, I'm enjoying myself here.
Otto (handing her her drink) : Are you, indeed?
Gilda: Yes. This measured skirmishing is delightful.
Otto: Be careful, won't you? I do implore you to be
careful!
Gilda: I never was. Why should I start now?
Otto (raising his glass) : I salute your spirit of defiance,
my dearest.
Gilda (raising her glass) : Yours, too.
Otto (shaking his head): A bad business; a very bad
business.
Gilda: Love among the artists.
Otto : Love among anybody.
Gilda: Perhaps not love, exactly. Something a little
below it and a little above it, but something terribly
strong.
Otto: Meaning this?
Gilda: Of course. What else?
Otto: We should have principles to hang on to, you
know. This floating about without principles is so very
dangerous.
Gilda: Life is for living.
Otto: You accused me of being too sure. It's you
who are sure now.
Gilda: Sure of what?
Otto : Sure that I want you.
Gilda: Don't you?
Otto: Of course I do.
Gilda: Keep away, then, a minute, and let me look at
you all over again.
[70]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Otto: I used to sit on the top deck of that freighter,
and shut my eyes and see you standing there, just like
you are now.
Gilda : Good old romance, bobbing up again and wrap-
ping up our crudities in a few veils!
Otto: Shut up! Don't talk like that.
Gilda: I'm not nearly as afraid as you are.
Otto : You haven't got so much to lose.
Gilda: How do you know? You've forgotten every-
thing about me — the real me. That dim figure you con-
jured up under your damned tropic stars was an illusion,
a misty ghost, scratched out of a few memories, inac-
curate, untrue — nothing to do with me in any way. This
is me, now! Take a good look and see if you can tell
what I have to lose in the game, or to win, either —
perhaps you can tell that, too! Can you? Can
you?
Otto : You look so terribly sweet when you're angry.
Gilda: Another illusion. I'm not sweet.
Otto: Those were only love words. You mustn't be
so crushing. How are we to conduct this revivalist
meeting without love words?
Gilda: Let's keep them under control.
Otto: I warn you it's going to be very difficult.
You've worked yourself up into a frenzy of sophistication.
You've decided on being calculating and disillusioned
and brazen, even slightly coarse over the affair. That's
all very well, but how long is it going to last? That's
what I ask myself. How long is it going to last — this
old wanton mood of yours?
Gilda {breaking down) : Don't — don't laugh at me.
Otto: I must— a little.
l7i)
Act h DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Gilda: It's an unfair advantage. You've both got it,
and you both use it against me mercilessly.
Otto: Laugh, too; it's not so serious, really.
Gilda: If I once started, I should never stop. That's
a warning.
Otto: Duly registered.
Gilda: What are we going to do about Leo?
Otto: Wait and see what he's going to do about us.
Gilda: Haven't you got any shame at all?
Otto: Just about as much as you have.
Gilda: The whole thing's degrading, completely and
utterly degrading.
Otto: Only when measured up against other people's
standards.
Gilda: Why should we flatter ourselves that we're so
tremendously different?
Otto : Flattery doesn't enter into it. We are different.
Our lives are diametrically opposed to ordinary social
conventions; and it's no use grabbing at those conven-
tions to hold us up when we find we're in deep water.
We've jilted them and eliminated them, and we've got to
find our own solutions for our own peculiar moral prob-
lems.
Gilda: Very glib, very glib indeed, and very plausible.
Otto: It's true. There's no sense in stamping about
and saying how degrading it all is. Of course it's de-
grading; according to a certain code, the whole situation's
degrading and always has been. The Methodists
wouldn't approve of us, and the Catholics wouldn't
either; and the Evangelists and the Episcopalians and
the Anglicans and the Christian Scientists — I don't sup-
pose even the Polynesian Islanders would think very
[72]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
highly of us, but they wouldn't mind quite so much,
being so far away. They could all club together — the
whole lot of them — and say with perfect truth, according
to their lights, that we were loose-living, irreligious, un-
moral degenerates, couldn't they?
Gilda {meekly) : Yes, Otto, I expect so.
Otto: But the whole point is, it's none of their busi-
ness. We're not doing any harm to anyone else. We're
not peppering the world with illegitimate children. The
only people we could possibly mess up are ourselves, and
that's our lookout. It's no use you trying to decide
which you love best, Leo or me, because you don't know!
At the moment, it's me, because you've been living with
Leo for a long time and I've been away. A gay, ironic
chance threw the three of us together and tied our lives
into a tight knot at the outset. To deny it would be
ridiculous, and to unravel it impossible. Therefore, the
only thing left is to enjoy it thoroughly, every rich mo-
ment of it, every thrilling second
Gilda: Come off your soap box, and stop ranting!
Otto : I want to make love to you very badly indeed,
please! I've been lonely for a long time without you;
now I've come back, and I'm not going to be lonely any
more. Believe me, loneliness is a mug's game.
Gilda: The whole thing's a mug's game.
Otto: You're infinitely lovely to me, darling, and so
very necessary. The circle has swung round, and it's
my turn again — that's only fair, isn't it?
Gilda: I — I suppose so.
Otto: If you didn't want me, it would be different, but
you do — you do, my dearest dear! — I can see it in your
eyes. You want me every bit as much as I want you!
173)
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Gilda {with a little smile) : Yes, every bit.
Otto: This is a moment to remember, all right.
Scribble it onto your heart; a flicker of ecstasy sand-
wiched between yesterday and tomorrow — something to
be recaptured in the future without illusion, perfect in
itself! Don't let's forget this — whatever else happens,
don't let's forget this.
Gilda: How easy it all seems in this light.
Otto: What small perverse meanness in you forbids
you to walk round the sofa to me?
Gilda: I couldn't move, if the house was on fire!
Otto: I believe it is. To hell with the sofa!
He vaults over it and takes her in his arms. They
stand holding each other closely and gradually subside
onto the sofa.
Otto {kissing her) : Hvordan staar det til!
Gilda {blissfully) : What's that, darling?
Otto: "How do you do?" in Norwegian.
The curtain slowly falls.
END OE ACT TWO: SCENE 2
[74\
ACT TWO
Scene III
ACT TWO: Scene III
The scene is the same. It is about ten-thirty the next
morning.
As the curtain rises, Miss Hodge shows Ernest
Friedman into the room.
Miss Hodge: I will tell madam — miss — madam
you're here, sir.
Ernest: Why so much confusion, Miss Hodge?
Miss Hodge : I was only told last night, sir, that — er,
well — that — er
Ernest: Oh, I see.
Miss Hodge : It's a bit muddling at first, in a manner
of speaking, but I shall get used to it.
Ernest : I'm sure you will.
Miss Hodge goes into the bedroom, and returns
again in a moment with very pursed-up lips.
Miss Hodge (coldly) : She will be in in a moment, sir.
Miss Hodge goes into the kitchen and slams the
door. Ernest looks after her in some astonishment.
Gilda enters. She is fully dressed, wearing a hat
and coat.
Gilda (with tremendous gaiety) : Ernest ! What a sur-
prise!
Ernest: What's the matter with Miss Hodge?
Gilda: The matter with her? I don't know— I
haven't examined her.
\77\
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Ernest : It was foolish of you to tell her you and Leo
weren't married.
Gilda: It slipped out; I'd forgotten she didn't know.
Have you come from Paris?
Ernest: Yes, last night. There's been a slight argu-
ment going on for weeks.
Gilda: Argument? What kind of an argument?
Ernest: One of those Holbein arguments.
Gilda: Somebody said it wasn't, I suppose?
Ernest: Yes, that's it.
Gilda: Was it?
Ernest: In my humble opinion, yes.
Gilda: Did your humble opinion settle it?
Ernest: I hope so.
Gilda: Admirable. Quiet, sure, perfect conviction —
absolutely admirable.
Ernest: Thank you, Gilda. Don't imagine that the
irony in your tone escaped me.
Gilda: That wasn't irony; it was envy.
Ernest: It's high time you stopped envying me.
Gilda: I don't think I ever shall.
Ernest: How's Leo?
Gilda: Not very well.
Ernest: What's wrong with him?
Gilda: Tummy; he's had an awful night. He didn't
close an eye until about five, but he's fast asleep now.
Ernest: I'm sorry. I wanted to say good-bye to you
both.
Gilda: Good-bye?
Ernest: I'm going back to Paris this afternoon and
sailing for America on Wednesday.
Gilda: You do flip about, don't you, Ernest?
[>]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Ernest: Not any more. I've decided to live in New-
York permanently. IVe been angling for a particular
penthouse for years and now I've got it.
Gilda: How lovely. Is it very high?
Ernest: About thirty floors.
Gilda {gaily) : Do you want a housekeeper?
Ernest: Yes, badly. Will you come?
Gilda: Perhaps.
She laughs.
Ernest: You seem very gay this morning.
Gilda: I'm always gay on Sundays. There's some-
thing intoxicating about Sunday in London.
Ernest: It's excellent about the play. I read all the
reviews.
Gilda: Yes, it's grand. It ought to run for years and
years and years and years and years!
Ernest: I suppose Leo's delighted.
Gilda: Absolutely hysterical. I think that's what's
upset his stomach. He was always oversensitive, you
know; even in Paris in the old days he used to roll about
in agony at the least encouragement, don't you remem-
ber?
Ernest: No, I can't say that I do.
Gilda: That's because you're getting a bit "gaga,"
darling! You've sold too many pictures and made too
much money and travelled too much. That world
cruise was a fatal mistake. I thought so at the time, but
I didn't say anything about it, because I didn't want to
upset you. But going round in a troupe, with all those
tatty old girls, must have been very, very bad for you.
I expected every day to get a wire from somewhere or
other saying you'd died of something or other.
[79]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Ernest: Do stop, you're making me giddy.
Gilda: Perhaps you'd like a little Sherry?
Ernest: No, thank you.
Gilda: It's very good Sherry; dry as a bone!
Ernest: You seem to me to be in a very strange
mood, Gilda.
Gilda: I've never felt better in my life. Ups and
downs! My life is one long convulsive sequence of Ups
and Downs. This is an Up — at least, I think it is.
Ernest: You're sure it's not nervous collapse?
Gilda: I never thought of that; it's a very good idea.
I shall have a nervous collapse!
Ernest: Will you ever change, I wonder? Will you
ever change into a quieter, more rational person?
Gilda: Why should I?
Ernest: What's wrong now?
Gilda: Wrong! What could be wrong? Everything's
right. Righter than it's ever been before. God's in His
heaven, all's right with the world — I always thought
that was a remarkably silly statement, didn't you?
Ernest: Unreasoning optimism is always slightly
silly, but it's a great comfort to, at least, three quarters
of the human race.
Gilda: The human race is a let-down, Ernest; a bad,
bad let-down! I'm disgusted with it. It thinks it's
progressed but it hasn't; it thinks it's risen above the
primeval slime but it hasn't — it's still wallowing in it!
It's still clinging to us, clinging to our hair and our eyes
and our souls. We've invented a few small things that
make noises, but we haven't invented one big thing that
creates quiet, endless peaceful quiet — something to pull
over us like a gigantic eiderdown; something to deaden
[So]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
the sound of our emotional yellings and screechings and
suffocate our psychological confusions
Ernest {weakly) : I think, perhaps, I would like a glass
of Sherry after all.
Gilda (going to the "thing"): It's all right, Ernest,
don't be frightened! You're always a safety valve for
me. I think, during the last few years, I've screamed at
you more than anyone else in the world.
She hands him the bottle.
Here you are.
Ernest (looking at it) : This is brandy.
Gilda: So it is. How stupid of me.
She finds the Sherry and two glasses.
Here we are!
Ernest (putting the brandy bottle on the desk) : I'm not
sure that I find it very comfortable, being a safety valve!
Gilda: It's the penalty you pay for being sweet and
sympathetic, and very old indeed.
Ernest (indignantly) : I'm not very old indeed!
Gilda: Only in wisdom and experience, darling.
She pours out Sherry for them both.
Here's to you, Ernest, and me, too!
They both drink.
Ernest: Now, then?
Gilda: Now then, what?
Ernest: Out with it!
Gilda: Take my advice, my dear; run like a stag — be
fleet of foot! Beat it!
Ernest: Why?
Gilda: I'm a lone woman. I'm unattached. I'm free.
Ernest: Oh! Oh, are you, really!
Gilda: I'm cured. I'm not a prisoner any more.
[81]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
I've let myself out. This is a day of great exaltation for
me.
Ernest: I'm sure I'm delighted to hear it.
Gilda (with the suspicion of a catch in her voice) : I'm
not needed any more — I'm going.
Ernest : Where are you going?
Gilda: I haven't the faintest idea. The world is
wide, far too wide and round, too. I can scamper round
and round it, like a white rat in a cage!
Ernest: That will be very tiring.
Gilda: Not so tiring as staying still; at least, I might
preserve the illusion that I'm getting somewhere.
Ernest (prosaically) : Have you had a row with Leo?
Gilda: No; I haven't had a row with anyone. I've
just seen the light suddenly. I saw it last night. The
survival of the fittest, that's the light. Didn't you
know?
Ernest: I think, perhaps, I should understand better
if you spoke in Russian.
Gilda: Or Norwegian. There's a fascinating language
for you !
Ernest : I believe there is a very nice nursing home in
Manchester Street.
Gilda (taking a note out of her bag) : You see this?
Ernest: Yes.
Gilda: It's for Leo.
Ernest : To read when he wakes up?
Gilda: Yes. If he ever wakes up.
Ernest: You haven't poisoned him, have you?
Gilda: No; but he's nearly poisoned me! An insidi-
ous, dreary sort of poison, a lymphatic poison, turning me
slowly into a cow.
[82]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Ernest {laughing) : My poor Gilda!
Gilda (propping it up against the brandy bottle) : I shall
leave it here.
Ernest: Pity there isn't a pin cushion.
Gilda: I expect you think I'm being overdramatic?
Ernest: Not any more than usual.
Gilda: Well, I'm not. I'm perfectly calm inside.
Cold as steel.
Ernest: Can one be exalted and cold as steel at the
same time?
Gilda : I can. I can be lots of things at the same time ;
it becomes a great bore after a while. In the future, I
intend to be only one thing.
Ernest: That being ?
Gilda: Myself, Ernest. My unadulterated self! My-
self, without hangings, without trimmings, unencumbered
by the winding tendrils of other people's demands
Ernest: That was very nicely put.
Gilda: You can laugh at me as much as you like. I
give everybody free permission to laugh at me. I can
laugh at myself, too, now — for the first time, and enjoy it.
Ernest: Can you?
Gilda: Yes; isn't it lovely?
Ernest: I congratulate you.
Gilda: I'm glad you suddenly appeared this morning
to say good-bye — very appropriate! It's a day of good-
byes — the air's thick with them. You have a tremen-
dous sense of the "right moment," Ernest. It's wonder-
ful. You pop up like a genie out of a bottle, just to
be in at the death! You really ought to have been a
priest.
Ernest: Are you really serious? Are you really going?
[S3]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Gilda: I've never been more serious in my life. Of
course I'm going — I've got to learn a few things while
there's still time — who knows, I might even learn to be
an artist! Just think of that! And even if I can't quite
achieve such — such splendour, there are other lessons for
me. There's the lesson of paddling my own canoe, for
instance — not just weighing down somebody else's and
imagining I'm steering it!
Ernest : Oh, I see. I see it all now.
Gilda: No, you don't — not all; just a little, perhaps,
but not all.
Ernest: Where are you going, really?
Gilda: First, to a hotel, to make a few plans.
Ernest: You can take over my room at the Carlton,
if you like. I'm leaving today.
Gilda {laughing hysterically): The Carlton! Oh, no,
Ernest, not the Carlton!
Ernest: Why, what's the matter with it?
Gilda: It's too big and pink and grand for me. I
want a decayed hotel; gentle and sad and a little bit
under the weather.
Ernest: And afterwards?
Gilda: Paris — no, not Paris — Berlin. I'm very at-
tached to Berlin.
Ernest: Are you sure you're wise? This is rather —
well, rather drastic, isn't it?
Gilda {quietly) : I'm quite sure.
Ernest: I won't try to dissuade you, then.
Gilda: No, don't. It wouldn't do any good. I'm
quite determined.
Ernest: I have an instinctive distrust of sudden im«
pulses.
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Gilda: I'll fool you yet! I'll make you eat your
damned skepticism!
Ernest (smiling): Sorry!
Gilda: Good-bye, Ernest. I'm going now.
Ernest: You'll be very lonely. Aren't you afraid?
Gilda: I can bear it. I've been lonely before.
Ernest: Not for a long while.
Gilda: Recently, quite — quite recently. Loneliness
doesn't necessarily mean being by yourself.
Ernest (gently) : Very well, dear.
Gilda (suddenly flinging her arms round his neck):
You're very tender and very kind and I'm tremendously
grateful to you! Come on, let's go.
Ernest: Haven't you got any bags or anything?
Gilda: I've packed a dressing case with all my im-
mediate wants; I shall get everything else new, brand
new
She goes quietly to the bedroom door and gets a
dressing case, which she has left just behind it,
I'll drop you off at the Carlton, and take your taxi on.
Ernest: Is he asleep?
Gilda: Fast asleep. Come on!
They go out into the hall. Suddenly Gilda is
heard to say, "Just a moment, I've forgotten some-
thingl"
She comes quickly back into the room, takes another
letter out of her bag and props it up on the desk. Then
she goes out.
The front door is heard to slam very loudly.
After a moment or two the telephone rings; it goes on
ringing until Miss Hodge comes out of the kitchen
and answers it.
{85]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Miss Hodge (at telephone) : 'Alio, 'alio ! — What? — No,
Vs not — Vs away. — All right! — Not at all.
She slams down the telephone and goes back into the
kitchen. Otto comes out of the bedroom. He is wear-
ing a dressing gown and pyjamas belonging to Leo,
and looks very sleepy. He finds a cigarette and lights
it; then goes to the kitchen door.
Otto (calling): Gilda! — Gilda, where are you?
Miss Hodge appears. Her face grim with disap-
proval.
Miss Hodge: She's gone h'out.
Otto (startled): Oh! Did she say where?
Miss Hodge: She did not.
Otto: What's the time?
Miss Hodge: H'eleven.
Otto (pleasantly): We met last night on the door-
step; do you remember?
Miss Hodge: Yes, I remember all right.
Otto: It was very kind of you to let me in.
Miss Hodge: I didn't know you was going to stay all
night.
Otto: I wasn't sure, myself.
Miss Hodge: A pretty thing!
Otto: I beg your pardon?
Miss Hodge: I said, "A pretty thing" and I meant
"A pretty thing" — nice goings on!
Otto (amiably) : Very nice, thank you.
Miss Hodge : I'm a respectable woman.
Otto : Never mind.
Miss Hodge : I don't mind a little fun every now and
then among friends, but I do draw the line at looseness!
Otto: You're making a mistake, Miss — Miss ?
[86]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Miss Hodge: Me name's 'Odge.
Otto: You're making a mistake, Miss Odge.
Miss Hodge: 'Ow do you mean?
Otto: You are making a mistake in daring to disap-
prove of something that has nothing to do with you what-
ever.
Miss Hodge (astounded): Well, I never!
Otto : Please go away, and mind your own business.
Miss Hodge, with a gasp of fury, flounces off
into the kitchen. Otto comes down to the sofa and lies
on it with his back towards the door, blowing smoke
rings into the air.
The door opens and Leo creeps into the room. He
can only see the cigarette smoke, Otto's head being
hidden by the cushion.
Leo: Hallo, darling! I couldn't bear it any more, so
I've come back.
Otto (sitting up slowly) : Hello, Leo.
Leo: You!
Otto: Yes. I couldn't bear it any longer, either, so
I've come back.
Leo: Where have you come from?
Otto: New York.
Leo : When — when did you arrive?
Otto: Last night.
Leo : Why — why aren't you dressed?
Otto : I've only just got up.
Leo : You stayed here?
Otto: Yes.
Leo (slowly): With Gilda?
Otto: Yes.
Leo: I see.
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Otto: It wouldn't be any use lying, would it? Pre-
tending I didn't?
Leo: No use at all.
Otto: I'm not even sorry, Leo, except for hurting you.
Leo: Where is Gilda?
Otto : She's gone out.
Leo: Out! Why? Where's she gone to?
Otto: I don't know.
Leo (turning away) : How vile of you ! How unspeak-
ably vile of you both!
Otto: It was inevitable.
Leo (contemptuously): Inevitable!
Otto: I arrived unexpectedly; you were away; Gilda
was alone. I love her; I've always loved her — I've never
stopped for a minute, and she loves me, too.
Leo: What about me?
Otto: I told you I was sorry about hurting you.
Leo : Gilda loves me.
Otto: I never said she didn't.
Leo (hopelessly) : What are we to do? What are we to
do now?
Otto: Do you know, I really haven't the faintest
idea.
Leo: You're laughing inside. You're thoroughly
damned well pleased with yourself, aren't you?
Otto: I don't know. I don't know that either.
Leo (savagely) : You are! I can see it in your eyes — so
much triumph — such a sweet revenge!
Otto : It wasn't anything to do with revenge.
Leo: It was. Of course it was — secretly thought out,
planned for ages — infinitely mean !
Otto: Shut up! And don't talk such nonsense.
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Leo: Why did you do it, then? Why did you come
back and break everything up for me?
Otto: I came back to see you both. It was a sur-
prise.
Leo: A rather cruel surprise, and brilliantly successful.
You should be very happy.
Otto (sadly) : Should I?
Leo: Perhaps I should be happy, too; you've set me
free from something.
Otto: What?
Leo (haltingly): The — feeling I had for you — some-
thing very deep, I imagined it was, but it couldn't have
been, could it — now that it has died so easily.
Otto: I said all that to you in Paris. Do you remem-
ber? I thought it was true then, just as you think it's
true now.
Leo: It is true.
Otto: Oh, no, it isn't.
Leo: Do you honestly believe I could ever look at you
again, as a real friend?
Otto: Until the day you die.
Leo: Shut up! It's too utterly beastly — the whole
thing.
Otto: It's certainly very, very uncomfortable.
Leo: Is Gilda going to leave me? To go away with
you?
Otto: Do you want her to?
Leo: Yes, I suppose so, now.
Otto: We didn't make any arrangement or plans.
Leo: I came back too soon. You could have gone
away and left a note for me — that would have been nice
and easy for you, wouldn't it?
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Otto: Perhaps it would, really. I don't know that I
should have done it, though.
Leo: Why not?
Otto: If I had, I shouldn't have seen you at all, and I
wanted to see you very much.
Leo: You even wanted to see me, hating you like this?
Very touching!
Otto: You're not hating me nearly as much as you
think you are. You're hating the situation : that's quite
different.
Leo: You flatter yourself .
Otto: No. I'm speaking from experience. You for-
get, I've been through just what you're going through
now. I thought I hated you with all my heart and soul,
and the force of that hatred swept me away onto the
high seas, too far out of reach to be able to come back
when I discovered the truth.
Leo: The truth!
Otto: That no one of us was more to blame than the
other. We've made our own circumstances, you and
Gilda and me, and we've bloody well got to put up with
them!
Leo : I wish I could aspire to such a sublime God's-eye
view!
Otto: You will — in time — when your acids have
calmed down.
Leo: I'd like so very much not to be able to
feel anything at all for a little. I'm desperately
tired.
Otto: You want a change.
Leo: It seems as if I'm going to get one, whether I
want it or not.
[90]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Otto {laughing): Oh, Leo, you really are very, very
tender !
Leo: Don't laugh! How dare you laugh! How can
you laugh !
Otto : It's a good joke. A magnificent joke.
Leo {bitterly) : A pity Gilda chose just that moment to
go out, we could all have enjoyed it together.
Otto : Like we did before?
Leo: Yes, like we did before.
Otto: And like we shall again.
Leo {vehemently): No, never again — never!
Otto : I wonder.
The telephone rings. Leo goes over mechanically
to answer it; he lifts up the receiver, and as he does so he
catches sight of the two letters propped up against the
brandy bottle. He stares at them and slowly lets the
receiver drop onto the desk.
Leo {very quietly) : Otto.
Otto: What is it?
Leo: Look.
Otto comes over to the desk, and they both stand
staring at the letters.
Otto: Gilda!
Leo: Of course.
Otto: She's gone! She's escaped!
Leo: Funny word to use, "escaped."
Otto : That's what she's done, all the same, escaped
Leo : The joke is becoming richer.
Otto : Escaped from both of us.
Leo : We'd better open them, I suppose.
Otto {slowly) : Yes — yes, I suppose we had.
They both open the letters, in silence, and read them.
[9i]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Leo {after a pause) : What does yours say?
Otto {reading): " Good-bye, my clever little dear!
Thank you for the keys of the city."
Leo: That's what mine says.
Otto: I wonder where she's gone?
Leo: I don't see that that matters much.
Otto: One up to Gilda!
Leo: What does she mean, "keys of the city"?
Otto: A lot of things.
Leo: I feel rather sick.
Otto: Have some Sherry?
Leo: That's brandy.
Otto: Better still.
He pours out a glass and hands it to Leo.
Leo {quietly) : Thank you.
Otto {pouring one out for himself) : I feel a little sick,
too.
Leo: Do you think she'll come back?
Otto: No.
Leo: She will — she must — she must come back!
Otto: She won't. Not for a long time.
Leo {drinking his brandy) : It's all my fault, really.
Otto {drinking his) : Is it?
Leo : Yes. I've, unfortunately, turned out to be suc-
cessful. Gilda doesn't care for successful people.
Otto: I wonder how much we've lost, with the
years?
Leo : A lot. I think, practically everything now.
Otto {thoughtfully): Love among the artists. Very
difficult, too difficult.
Leo : Do you think we could find her?
Otto: No.
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Leo: We could try.
Otto: Do you want to?
Leo: Of course.
Otto: Why? What would be the use?
Leo: She might explain a little — a little more clearly.
Otto: What good would that do? We know why she's
gone perfectly well.
Leo: Because she doesn't want us any more.
Otto: Because she thinks she doesn't want us any
more.
Leo: I suppose that's as good a reason as any.
Otto: Quite.
Leo: All the same, I should like to see her just once-
just to find out, really, in so many words
Otto (with sudden fury): So many words! That's
what's wrong with us! So many words — too many
words, masses and masses of words, spewed about until
we're choked with them. We've argued and probed and
dragged our entrails out in front of one another for years!
We've explained away the sea and the stars and life and
death and our own peace of mind! I'm sick of this end-
less game of three-handed, spiritual ping-pong — this
battling of our little egos in one another's faces! Sick to
death of it ! Gilda's made a supreme gesture and got out.
Good luck to her, I say! Good luck to the old girl — she
knows her onions!
Otto refills his glass and drains it at a gulp.
Leo: You'll get drunk, swilling down all that brandy
on an empty stomach.
Otto: Why not! What else is there to do? Here,
have some more as well.
He refills Leo's glass and hands it to him,
fan
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Leo: All right! Here goes.
He drains his glass.
Now, we start fair.
He refills both their glasses.
Otto (raising his glass): Gilda! (He drains it.)
Leo (doing the same): Gilda! (He drains it.)
Otto: That's better, isn't it? Much, much better.
Leo: Excellent. We shall be sick as dogs!
Otto : Good for our livers.
Leo: Good for our immortal souls.
He refills the glasses, and raises his.
Our Immortal Souls!
Otto (raising his): Our Immortal Souls!
They both drain them to the last drop.
Leo: I might have known it!
Otto: What?
Leo: That there was going to be a break. Everything
was running too smoothly, too well. I was enjoying all
the small things too much.
Otto: There's no harm in enjoying the small things.
Leo: Gilda didn't want me to.
Otto : I know.
Leo: Did she tell you so?
Otto : Yes, she said she was uneasy.
Leo : She might have had a little faith in me, I think.
I haven't got this far just to be sidetracked by a few
garlands.
Otto: That's what I said to her; I said you wouldn't
be touched, inside.
Leo : How about you?
Otto : Catching up, Leo ! Popular portraits at popu-
lar prices.
[94}
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Leo : Good work or bad work?
Otto: Good. An occasional compromise, but es-
sentials all right.
Leo (with a glint in his eye) : Let's make the most of
the whole business, shall we? Let's be photographed
and interviewed and pointed at in restaurants! Let's
play the game for what it's worth, secretaries and fur
coats and de-luxe suites on transatlantic liners at mini-
mum rates! Don't let's allow one shabby perquisite to
slip through our ringers! It's what we dreamed many
years ago and now it's within our reach. Let's cash in,
Otto, and see how much we lose by it.
He refills both glasses and hands one to Otto.
Come on, my boy!
He raises his glass.
Success in twenty lessons! Each one more bitter than
the last ! More and better Success ! Louder and funnier
Success!
They both drain their glasses.
They put down their glasses, gasping slightly.
Otto (agreeably): It takes the breath away a bit,
doesn't it?
Leo: How astonished our insides must be — all that
brandy hurtling down suddenly!
Otto: On Sunday, too.
Leo: We ought to know more about our insides, Otto.
We ought to know why everything does everything.
Otto: Machines! That's what we are, really — all of
us! I can't help feeling a little discouraged about it
every now and then.
Leo: Sheer sentimentality! You shouldn't feel dis-
couraged at all; you should be proud.
[95]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Otto: I don't see anything to be proud about.
Leo: That's because you don't understand; because
you're still chained to stale illusions. Science dispels
illusions; you ought to be proud to be living in a scientific
age. You ought to be proud to know that you're a
minute cog in the vast process of human life.
Otto: I don't like to think I'm only a minute cog — it
makes me sort of sad.
Leo: The time for dreaming is over, Otto.
Otto: Never! I'll never consent to that. Never, as
long as I live! How do you know that science isn't a
dream, too? A monstrous, gigantic hoax?
Leo: How could it be? It proves everything.
Otto: What does it prove? Answer me that!
Leo : Don't be silly, Otto. You must try not to be silly.
Otto {bitterly) : A few facts, that's all. A few tawdry
facts torn from the universe and dressed up in termino-
logical abstractions!
Leo: Science is our only hope, the only hope for
humanity! We've wallowed in false mysticism for cen-
turies; we've fought and suffered and died for foolish
beliefs, which science has proved to be as ephemeral as
smoke. Now is the moment to open our eyes fearlessly
and look at the truth!
Otto: What is the truth?
Leo {irritably): It's no use talking to you — you just
won't try to grasp anything! You're content to go on
being a romantic clod until the end of your days.
Otto {incensed): What about you? What about the
plays you write? Turgid with romance; sodden with
true love; rotten with nostalgia!
Leo {with dignity): There's no necessity to be rude
[96]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
about my work— that's quite separate, and completely
beside the point.
Otto: Well, it oughtn't to be. It ought to be abso-
lutely in accord with your cold, incisive, scientific view-
point. If you're a writer it's your duty to write what
you think. If you don't you're a cheat — a cheat and a
hypocrite!
Leo {loftily): Impartial discussion is one thing, Otto.
Personal bickering is another. I think you should learn
to distinguish between the two.
Otto: Let's have some more brandy.
Leo: That would be completely idiotic. .
Otto: Let's be completely idiotic!
Leo: Very well.
They both refill their glasses and drain them in si-
lence.
Otto: There's a certain furtive delight in doing some-
thing consciously that you know perfectly well is thor-
oughly contemptible.
Leo : There is, indeed.
Otto: There isn't much more left. Shall we finish it?
Leo: Certainly.
Otto refills both glasses.
Otto (handing Leo his) : Now what?
Leo: Now what what?
Otto (giggling slightly) : Don't keep on saying, what,
what, what — it sounds ridiculous !
Leo: I wanted to know what you meant by "Now
what"?
Otto: Now what shall we drink to?
Leo (also giggling) : Let's not drink to anything — let's
just drink!
[97]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Otto : All right.
He drinks.
Leo (also drinking): Beautiful!
Otto : If Gilda came in now she'd be surprised all right,
wouldn't she?
Leo: She'd be so surprised, she'd fall right over back-
wards!
Otto: So should we.
They both laugh immoderately at this.
Leo {^wiping his eyes)'. Oh, dear! Oh, dear, oh, dear,
how silly! How very, very silly.
Otto (with sudden change of mood) : She'll never come
back. Never.
Leo: Yes, she will — when we're very, very old, she'll
suddenly come in — in a Bath chair!
Otto (sullenly) : Damn fool.
Leo (with slight belligerence) : Who's a damn fool?
Otto: You are. So am I. We both are. We were
both damn fools in the first place, ever to have anything
to do with her.
Leo (admiringly): You're awfully strong, Otto!
Much, much stronger than you used to be.
Otto: I've been all over the world; I've roughed it —
that's what's made me strong. Every man ought to
rough it.
Leo: That's the trouble with civilized life — it makes
you soft. I've been thinking that for a long time. I've
been watching myself getting softer and softer and softer
— it's awful!
Otto: You'd soon be all right if you got away from all
this muck.
Leo: Yes, I know, but how?
[98]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Otto (putting his arm around his shoulders) : Get on a
ship, Leo — never mind where it's going! Just get on a
ship — a small ship.
Leo: How small?
Otto: Very small indeed; a freighter.
Leo: Is that what you did?
Otto: Yes.
Leo: Then I will. Where do very small ships sail
from?
Otto: Everywhere — Tilbury, Hamburg, Havre
Leo: I'm free! I've suddenly realized it. I'm
free!
Otto: So am I.
Leo: We ought to drink to that, Otto. It's something
worth drinking to. Freedom's been lost to us for a long,
long time and now we've found it again ! Freedom from
people and things and softness! We really ought to
drink to it.
Otto : There isn't any more brandy.
Leo : What's that over there?
Otto: Where?
Leo: On the thing.
Otto (going to it) : Sherry.
Leo: What's the matter with Sherry?
Otto : All right.
He brings over the bottle and fills their glasses.
Leo (raising his) : Freedom!
Otto (doing the same) : Freedom^.
They both drink.
Leo: Very insipid.
Otto: Tastes like brown paper.
Leo: I've never tasted brown paper.
[99]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Otto: Neither have I.
They roar with laughter.
Leo: Sherry's a very ludicrous word, isn't it, when
you begin to analyze it?
Otto: Any word's ludicrous if you stare at it long
enough. Look at "macaroni."
Leo: That's Italian; that doesn't count.
Otto: Well, " rigmarole" then, and " neophyte" and
"haddock."
Leo: And "wimple" — wimple's the word that gets me
down!
Otto: What is a wimple?
Leo: A sort of mediaeval megaphone, made of linen.
Guinevere had one.
Otto: What did she do with it?
Leo {patiently) : Wore it, of course. What did you think
she did with it?
Otto : She might have blown down it.
Leo (with slight irritation) : Anyhow, it doesn't matter,
does it?
Otto (agreeably) : Not in the least. It couldn't mat-
ter less. I always thought Guinevere was tedious,
wimple or no wimple.
Leo: I'm beginning to float a little, aren't you?
Otto: Just leaving the ground. Give me time! I'm
just leaving the ground
Leo: Better have some more Sherry.
Otto: I'm afraid it isn't very good Sherry.
Leo (scrutinizing the bottle): It ought to be good; it's
real old Armadildo.
Otto: Perhaps we haven't given it a fair chance.
He holds out his glass; Leo refills it and his own.
[too]
Act ii DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Leo (raising his glass): Apres moi le deluge!
Otto: Apres both of us the deluge!
They drain their glasses.
Leo: I think I shall sit down now. I'm so terribly
sick of standing up.
Otto: Human beings were never meant to stand up,
in the first place. It's all been a grave mistake.
They both sit on the sofa.
Leo: All what?
Otto: All this stamping about.
Leo: I feel ever so much happier. I don't feel angry
with you or with Gilda or with anybody ! I feel sort of at
peace, if you know what I mean.
Otto (putting his arm around him): Yes, I know — I
know.
Leo: Keys of the city, indeed!
Otto : Lot of damned nonsense.
Leo: Too much sense of drama, flouncing off like
that
Otto: We've all got too much sense of drama, but we
won't have any more — from now onwards, reason and
realism and clarity of vision.
Leo: What?
Otto (very loudly) : I said " Clarity of vision."
Leo: I wouldn't have believed I could ever feel like
this again — so still and calm, like a deep, deep pool.
Otto: Me, too — a deep pool, surrounded with cool
green rushes, with the wind rustling through them
This flight of fancy is disturbed by a faint hiccup.
Leo (resting his head on Otto's shoulder): Will you
forgive me — for — for everything?
Otto (emotionally) : It's I who should ask you that!
[ioi]
Act n DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 3
Leo: I'm glad Gilda's gone, really — she was very
wearisome sometimes. I shall miss her, though.
Otto: We shall both miss her.
Leo : She's the only really intelligent woman I've ever
known.
Otto: Brilliant!
Leo: She's done a tremendous lot for us, Otto. I
wonder how much we should have achieved without her?
Otto: Very little, I'm afraid. Terribly little.
Leo: And now she's gone because she doesn't want us
any more.
Otto: I think she thinks we don't want her any more.
Leo: But we do, Otto — we do
Otto: We shall always want her, always, always,
always
Leo {miserably) : We shall get over it in time, I expect,
but it will take years.
Otto: I'm going to hate those years. I'm going to
hate every minute of them.
Leo: So am I.
Otto: Thank God for each other, anyhow!
Leo: That's true. We'll get along, somehow — (his
voice breaks) — together
Otto (struggling with his tears) : Together-
Leo (giving way to his, and breaking down completely) :
But we're going to be awfully — awfully — lonely
They both sob hopelessly on each other's shoulders
as the curtain slowly falls.
END OF ACT TWO: SCENE 3
[102]
ACT THREE
Scene I
ACT THREE: Scene I
Nearly two years have elapsed since Act Two.
The scene is Ernest Friedman's penthouse in
New York. It is an exquisite apartment, luxuriously
furnished. Up stage, on the Right, are three windows
opening onto a balcony. These are on an angle; below
them are double doors leading into the hall. A staircase
climbs up the Left-hand side of the room, leading
through a curtained archway to the bedrooms, etc.
Below the staircase there is a door leading to the serv-
ants 1 quarters.
When the curtain rises it is about eleven-thirty on a
summer night. The windows are wide open and be-
yond the terrace can be seen the many lights of the city.
There is a table set with drinks and sandwiches, with,
below it, an enormous sofa.
Voices are heard in the hall, and Gilda enters
with Grace Torrence and Henry and Helen
Carver. The Carvers are a comparatively young
married couple, wealthy and well dressed. Grace
Torrence is slightly older, a typical Europeanized
New York matron. Gilda is elaborately and beauti-
fully gowned. Her manner has changed a good deal.
She is much more still and sure than before. A certain
amount of vitality has gone from her, but, in its place,
there is an aloof poise quite in keeping with her dress
and surroundings. >
Uo5\
Act hi DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: Who'd like a highball?
Grace: We all would. We all need it!
Gilda: People are wrong when they say that the opera
isn't what it used to be. It is what it used to be — that's
what's wrong with it!
Henry (going for the drinks) : Never again !
Gilda: Is there enough ice there, Henry?
Henry: Yes, heaps.
Helen (wandering out onto the terrace): This is the
most wonderful view I've ever seen!
Henry: Next to ours.
Helen: I like this better; you can see more of the
river.
Grace: You did all this, I suppose, Gilda?
Gilda: Not all of it; just a few extras. Ernest laid
the foundations.
Grace: When's he coming back?
Gilda: Tomorrow.
Grace (wandering about the room) : It's lovely.
Gilda: I'd forgotten you hadn't been here before.
Henry: Here, Grace. (He gives her a drink.)
Gilda
Gilda (taking one) : Thanks, Henry.
Henry: Helen, do you want yours out there?
Helen: No, I'll come in for it.
She comes in, takes her drink, and sits down on the
sofa.
Grace (stopping before an antique chair): Where did
you get this?
Gilda: Italy. We were motoring to Siena, and we
stopped at a little village for lunch and there it was — just
waiting to be grabbed.
[106]
Act m DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Grace: You ought to open a shop; with your reputa-
tion you'd make a packet!
Gilda: This is my shop, really. I make quite enough,
one way and another.
Helen: But the things in this room aren't for sale, are
they?
Gilda: All except the pictures. Those are Ernest's.
Grace {laughing): Then they are for sale!
Gilda: Perhaps. At a price.
Henry: And, oh boy, what a price! {To Helen):
What was the name of that one he sold Dad?
Helen: I don't think it had a name.
Henry: The name of the artist, I mean.
Gilda: Matisse.
Henry: Well, all I can say is, it ought to have been a
double Matisse for that money!
Gilda {smiling) : Eleven thousand dollars, wasn't it?
Henry: It was.
Gilda {sweetly) : Your father was very lucky, but then
he always has been, hasn't he?
Grace: Bow, Henry! Or fall down dead — one or the
other!
Gilda: Do you want to see over the rest of it, Grace?
Grace: I do, indeed! I'm taking mental notes, and if
any of them come out right, I'll send you a handsome
gift.
Gilda: Terrace first? Very nice line in balcony furni-
ture, swing chairs, striped awnings, shrubs in pots
Grace: I'd rather die than go near the terrace — it
makes me giddy from here.
Gilda: I love being high up.
Helen: So do I— the higher the better!
[107}
Act hi DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Grace: What floor is this?
Gilda: Thirtieth.
Grace: I was caught by fire once on the sixth floor; I
had to be hauled down a ladder in my nightgown — since
then I've always lived on the ground level.
Helen: What about burglars?
Grace: I'd rather have fifty burglars than one fire.
What would you do here if there was a fire, Gilda? If it
started down below, in the elevator shaft or something?
Gilda (pointing towards the servants' door) : Very nice
line in fire escapes just through that door; perfectly
equipped, commodious — there's even a wide enough
balustrade to slide down.
Grace: One day there'll be an earthquake in this
city, then all you high livers will come tumbling down !
Henry: In that case, I'd rather be here than on the
ground.
Gilda: Come and see the bedrooms.
Grace: Higher still?
Gilda: Yes, higher still. You two will be all right,
won't you?
Helen: Of course.
Gilda (leading the way upstairs): Help yourself to
another drink, Henry.
Henry: Thanks. I will.
Gilda and Grace disappear through the archway.
Henry (at table) : Do you want another?
Helen: I haven't finished this one yet.
Henry: Promise me one thing, Helen?
Helen: What?
Henry: That you'll never become a professional
decorator.
[108]
Act m DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Helen: Why?
Henry: I've never met one yet that wasn't hard as
nails, and, my God, I've met hundreds!
Helen: Do you think Gilda's hard?
Henry: Hard! Look at her eyes. Look at the way
she's piloting old Grace round the apartment. Look at
the way she snapped me up over Dad's picture!
Helen: You were rather awful about it.
Henry : So I should think ! Eleven thousand bucks for
that daub ! I've only found three people who could tell me
what it was supposed to be, and they all told me different.
Helen: Art's not in your line, Henry.
Henry: You bet your sweet life it isn't — not at that
price!
Helen: I like modern painting. I think it's thrilling.
Henry: Bunk.
Helen (with superiority): That's what everybody
always says about new things. Look at Wagner.
Henry: What's Wagner got to do with it?
Helen: When first his music came out everyone said
it was terrible.
Henry: That's jake with me!
Helen (laughing patronizingly) : It's silly to laugh at
things just because you don't understand them.
Henry: You've been around too much lately, Helen;
you ought to stay home more.
Helen: If it hadn't been for Gilda, I don't know what
I'd have done all winter.
Henry: If it hadn't been for us, I don't know what
she'd have done all winter! You could have fixed our
apartment just as well as she did. What do we want
with all that Spanish junk?
. \ I0 9\
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Helen: It isn't junk; it's beautiful! She's got the
most wonderful taste, everybody knows she has.
Henry: It's a racket, Helen! The whole thing is a
racket.
Helen: I don't know what's the matter with you to-
night.
Henry: The evening's been a flop. The opera was
lousy, and now we've been dragged up here instead of
going to the Casino. Just because Gilda's sniffed a bit of
business.
There is a ring at the door bell.
Helen: Do you really think she only got Grace up
here to sell her something?
Henry: I do.
Helen: Oh, Henry!
Henry: Don't you?
Helen: No, of course I don't. They've got a lot of
money; they don't need to go on like that. v
Henry: That's how they made the money. Ernest's
been palming off pictures on people for years.
Helen: I don't see why he shouldn't, if they're willing
to buy them. After all, everybody sells something; I
mean
The door bell rings again.
Henry : Don't they keep any servants?
Helen: I expect they've gone to bed.
Henry: I'd better answer the door, I suppose.
Helen: Yes, I think you had.
Henry goes of. Helen does up her face. There
is the sound of voices in the hall. Henry reenters,
followed by Otto and Leo, both attired in very faultless
evening dress.
[no]
Act m DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene t
Henry: Mrs. Friedman's upstairs — I'll call her.
Leo: No, don't trouble to do that; she'll be down
soon, won't she?
Henry: Yes, she's only showing Mrs. Torrence over
the apartment.
Otto: Torrence — Torrence! How very odd! I won-
der if that's the same Mrs. Torrence we met in the
Yoshiwara?
Leo : Very possibly.
Henry: This is my wife, Mrs. Carver. I'm afraid I
don't know your names.
Leo: My name is Mercure.
Helen (shaking hands) : How do you do, Mr. Mercure?
Otto : And mine is Sylvus.
Helen (shaking hands again): How do you do, Mr.
Sylvus?
Leo (turning abruptly to Henry and shaking his hand) :
How do you do, Mr. Carver?
Otto (doing the same with some violence) : How do you
do, Mr. Carver?
Henry: Would you care for a drink?
Leo: Passionately.
Henry (coldly) : They're over there. Help yourself.
Helen (while they are helping themselves) : Are you old
friends of Mrs. Friedman's?
Otto (over his shoulder): Yes, we lived with her for
years.
Helen (gasping slightly): Oh!
There is silence for a moment. Otto and Leo
settle themselves comfortably in chairs.
Leo (raising his glass) : Here's to you, Mr. and Mrs.
Carver.
[in]
Act m DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Otto (also raising his glass) : Mr. and Mrs. Carver.
Henry (automatically raising his glass): Here's
luck!
There is another silence.
Leo (conversationally): I once knew a man called
Carver in Sumatra.
Helen: Really?
Leo : He had one of the longest beards I've ever seen.
Otto (quickly) : That was Mr. Eidelbaum.
Leo: So it was! How stupid of me.
Otto (apologetically): We've travelled so much, you
know, we sometimes get a little muddled.
Helen (weakly) : Yes, I expect you do.
Leo : Have you been married long?
Henry: Two years.
Leo : Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear.
Henry: Why? What of it?
Otto : There's something strangely and deeply moving
about young love, Mr. and Mrs. Carver.
Leo : Youth at the helm.
Otto: Guiding the little fragile barque of happiness
down the river of life. Unthinking, unknowing, unaware
of the perils that lie in wait for you, the sudden tempests,
the sharp jagged rocks beneath the surface. Are you
never afraid?
Henry: I don't see anything to be afraid of.
Leo (fondly) : Foolish headstrong boy.
Otto : Have you any children?
Henry (sharply) : No, we have not.
Leo : That's what's wrong with this century. If you
were living in Renaissance Italy you'd have been married
at fourteen and by now you'd have masses of children
[112]
Act hi DESIGN FORGIVING Scene i
and they'd be fashioning things of great beauty.
Wouldn't they, Otto?
Otto: Yes, Leo, they would.
Leo: There you are, you see!
Otto: The tragedy of the whole situation lies in the
fact that you don't care, you don't care a fig, do you?
Helen {stiffly): I really don't understand what you
mean. .,,,,.,-t-
Conversation again languishes.
Leo: You've been to Chuquicamata, I suppose?
Henry: Where?
Leo: Chuquicamata. It's a copper mine in Chile.
Henry: No, we haven't. Why?
Leo (loftily): It doesn't matter. It's most unimpor-
tant.
Henry: Why do you ask?
Leo (magnanimously): Please don't say any more
about it — it's perfectly all right.
Henry (with irritation) : What are you talking about?
Leo: Chuquicamata.
Otto (gently) : A copper mine in Chile.
Helen (to relieve the tension) : It's a very funny name.
She giggles nervously.
Leo (coldly) : Do you think so?
Helen (persevering): Is it — is it an interesting place?
Leo: I really^ don't remember; I haven't been there
since I was two.
Otto: I've never been there at all.
Helen (subsiding): Oh!
Leo (after another pause): Is Mrs. Torrence a nice
woman?
Henry: Nice! Yes, very nice.
[113]
Act m DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo (with a sigh of relief) : I'm so glad.
Otto: One can't be too careful, you know — people are
so deceptive.
Leo (grandiloquently): It's all a question of masks,
really; brittle, painted masks. We all wear them as a
form of protection; modern life forces us to. We must
have some means of shielding our timid, shrinking souls
from the glare of civilization.
Otto: Be careful, Leo. Remember how you upset
yourself in Mombasa!
Leo: That was fish.
Helen and Henry exchange startled glances.
Gilda and Grace reappear through the archway and
come down the stairs. Otto and Leo and Henry
rise to their feet.
Gilda (as they come down) : . . . and the terrace is
lovely in the summer, because, as it goes right round,
there's always somewhere cool to sit
She reaches the foot of the stairs and sees Otto and
Leo. She puts her hand onto the balustrade just for a
second, to steady herself; then she speaks. Her voice is
perfectly calm.
Gilda: Hallo!
Leo: Hallo, Gilda.
Otto : We've come back.
Gilda (well under control) : Yes — yes, I see you have.
This is Mrs. Torrence. Grace, these are two old friends
of mine — Leo Mercure and Otto Sylvus.
Grace (shaking hands) : Oh — how do you do.
Leo (shaking hands) : You must forgive our clothes but
we've only just come off a freight boat.
Otto: A Dutch freight boat. The food was delicious.
[114]
Act m DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: I see you both have drinks. Henry, mix me
one, will you?
Henry: Certainly.
Gilda (in an empty voice) : This is the most delightful
surprise. (To Grace): Do you know, I haven't seen
either of them for nearly two years.
Grace: Gilda hds been snowing me this perfectly
glorious apartment. Don't you think it's lovely?
Otto (looking around): Artistically too careful, but
professionally superb.
Gilda (laughing lightly): Behave yourself, Otto!
Leo: Where's darling little Ernest?
Gilda: Chicago.
Henry: Here's your drink, Gilda.
He hands it to her.
Gilda: Thank you.
Grace (sinking into a chair) : Where did you come from
on your freight boat, Mr. Mercure?
Leo: Manila.
Otto: It was very hot in Manila.
Leo: It was also very hot in Singapore.
Gilda (drily) : It always is, I believe.
Otto: It was cooler in Hong Kong; and in Vladivostok
it was downright cold!
Leo: We had to wear mittens.
]Eelen: Was all this a pleasure trip?
Leo: Life is a pleasure trip, Mrs. Carver; a Cheap
Excursion.
Otto: That was very beautifully put, Leo. I shall
always remember it.
Henry and Helen's faces set in disapproval.
Grace looks slightly bewildered.
[«5l
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Grace (with a little social laugh): Well, life certainly
hasn't been a cheap excursion for me! Every day it gets
more and more expensive. Everyone here has had the
most dreadful winter. I was in Europe, of course, but
they were feeling it there, too, very badly. Paris, par-
ticularly. Paris seemed to have lost its vitality; it used
to be much more gay, somehow
Otto : I once had a flat in Paris. It was really more a
studio than a flat, but I had to leave it.
Grace: They pulled it down, I suppose. They're
pulling down everything in Paris, now.
Otto: They pulled it down to the ground; it was a
small edifice and crumbled easily.
Grace: It's sad, isn't it, to think of places where one
has lived not being there any more?
Leo: I remember a friend of mine called Mrs. Purdy
being very upset once when her house in Dorset fell into
the sea.
Grace (startled): How terrible!
Leo: Fortunately Mr. Purdy happened to be in it at
the time.
^^Otto: In my case, of course, it was more like an earth-
quake than anything else, a small but thorough earth-
quake with the room trembling and the chandelier swing-
ing and the ground opening at my feet.
Grace: Funny. We were talking about earthquakes
just now.
Leo: I've never been able to understand why the
Japanese are such a cheerful race. All that hissing and
grinning on the brink of destruction.
Otto: The Japanese don't mind destruction a bit;
they like it, it's part of their upbringing. They're
urn
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
delighted with death. Look at the way they kill them-
selves on the most whimsical of pretexts.
Leo: I always thought Madame Butterfly was over-
hasty.
Otto: She should have gone out into the world and
achieved an austere independence. Just like you, Gilda.
Gilda: Don't talk nonsense. (To Grace): They
both talk the most absurd nonsense; they always have,
ever since I've known them. You mustn't pay any
attention to them. y
Otto: Don't undermine our social poise, Gilda, you —
who have so much!
Gilda (sharply) : Your social poise is nonexistent.
Leo: We have a veneer, though; it's taken us years to
acquire; don't scratch it with your sharp witty nails —
darling!
Everybody jumps slightly at the word "darling."
Gilda: Have you written any new plays, Leo? Have
you painted any new pictures, Otto? You must both
come to lunch one day and tell me all about yourselves.
Leo: That would be delightful. Just the three of us.
Otto: Should old acquaintance be forgot.
Leo : Close harmony.
Gilda: You'll have to forgive me if I'm not quite as
helpful to you as I used to be. My critical faculties
aren't as strong as they once were. I've grown away,
you see.
Leo: How far have you grown away, my dear love?
How lonely are you in your little box so high above the
arena? Don't you ever feel that you want to come down
in the cheap seats again, nearer to the blood and the
sand and the warm smells, nearer to Life and Death?
t«7l
Act ni DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Gilda: You've changed, Leo. You used to be more
subtle.
Otto: You've changed, too, but we expected that.
Helen (social poise well to the fore) : It's funny how
people alter; only the other day in the Colony a boy that
I used to know when he was at Yale walked up to my
table, and I didn't recognize him!
Leo: Just fancy!
Otto: Do you know, I have an excellent memory for
names, but I cannot for the life of me remember faces.
Sometimes I look at Leo suddenly and haven't the faint-
est idea who he is.
Leo (quickly): I can remember things, though, very
clearly, and past conversations and small trivial incidents.
Some trick of the light, some slight movement, can cause
a whole flock of irrelevant memories to tumble into my
mind — just unattached fragments, which might have
been significant once but which don't seem to mean any-
thing any more. Trees in a quiet London square, for
instance — a green evening dress, with earrings to match —
two notes propped up against a brandy bottle — odd,
isn't it?
Gilda: Not particularly odd. The usual litter of an
oversentimental mind.
Otto: Be careful, Gilda. An ugly brawl is imminent.
Gilda: I'm not afraid.
Otto: That's brave, when you have so much to lose.
He glances comprehensively round the room.
Gilda (quietly) : Is that a threat?
Otto: We've come back. That should be threat
enough!
Gilda (rising, with a strange smile): There now!
[118]
Act hi DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
That's what happens when ghosts get into the house.
They try to frighten you with their beckoning fingers and
clanking chains, not knowing that they're dead and
unable to harm you any more. That's why one should
never be scared of them, only sorry for them. Poor little
ghosts! It must be so uncomfortable, wandering
through empty passages, feeling they're not wanted very
much.
Leo (to Grace) : You see, Gilda can talk nonsense too.
Otto (reprovingly): That wasn't nonsense, Leo; that
was a flight of fancy, tinged with the macabre and reeking
with allegory — a truly remarkable achievement!
Leo: It certainly requires a vivid imagination to
describe this apartment as an empty passage.
Gilda (laughing a trifle wildly): Stop it, both of you!
You're behaving abominably!
Otto: We're all behaving abominably.
Leo: The veneer is wearing thin. Even yours, Gilda.
Grace: This, really, is the most extraordinary con-
versation I've ever heard.
Otto: Fascinating, though, don't you think? Fas-
cinating to lift the roofs a fraction and look down into the
houses.
Gilda: Not when the people inside know you're look-
ing: not when they're acting for you and strutting about
and showing off!
Leo: How does it feel to be so secure, Gilda? Tell us
about it?
Gilda (ignoring him) : Another drink, Henry?
Henry: No, thanks.
Helen (rising) : We really ought to be going now.
Gilda: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Act hi DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo: Watch the smooth wheels going round!
Otto: Reach for a Murad!
Grace (also rising): I'm going, too, Gilda. Can I
drop anybody?
Henry : No, thanks, our car's outside.
Grace: Good-night, Mr. Mercure.
Leo (shaking hands) : Good-night.
Grace (shaking hands with Otto) : Good-night. Can I
drop you anywhere?
Otto: No, thank you; we're staying a little longer.
Gilda: No! Go now, Otto, please. Both of you, go
with Grace. I'm terribly tired; you can telephone me
first thing in the morning.
Leo: We want to talk to you.
Gilda: Tomorrow, you can talk to me tomorrow; we
can all talk for hours.
Leo: We want to talk now.
Gilda: I know you do, but I tell you, I'm tired —
dreadfully tired. I've had a very hard day
She winks at them violently.
Otto (grinning) : Oh, I see.
Helen (at the door): Come on, Henry! Good-night,
Gilda darling; it's been a lovely evening.
She bows to Otto and Leo, and goes out. Grace
looks at Otto and Leo and Gilda, and then with
great tact joins Henry at the door.
Grace (to Otto) : My car's there, if you are coming now.
Good-night, Gilda — ring for the elevator, Henry
She goes out with Henry.
Gilda (hurriedly, in a whisper) : It was awful of you to
behave like that ! Why couldn't you have waited quietly
until they'd gone?
[120]
Act hi DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene i
Leo {also in a whisper) : They wouldn't go — they were
going to stay for ever and ever and ever!
Gilda runs over to her bag, which is lying on a chair,
and takes a latchkey out of it.
Gilda : Go, now, both of you ! Go with Grace. She'll
gossip all over the town if you don't. Here's the key;
come back in ten minutes.
Otto : Intrigue, eh? A nice state of affairs.
Leo: Good old Decameron!
Gilda {shoving the key into his hand) : Go on, quickly !
Get a taxi straight back
They both kiss her lightly on the lips and go out.
Gilda stands still, staring after them until she hears
the door slam. Her eyes are filled with tears. She
strides about the room in great agitation, clasping and
unclasping her hands. She stops in front of a table
on which is someone's unfinished drink. She drinks it
thoughtfully, frowning and tapping her foot nervously
on the ground.
Suddenly, she bangs down the glass, snatches up her
cloak and bag, switches of all the lights, and runs out
through the door leading to the fire escape.
Curtain.
END OF ACT THREE: SCENE I
[121]
ACT THREE
Scene II
ACT THREE: Scene II
The scene is the same, and it is the next morning.
The windows are wide open, and sunlight is stream-
ing into the room.
As the curtain rises, Matthew crosses over from the
servants' quarters, door Left, and goes into the hall.
Matthew is black but comely. He wears a snow-
white coat and dark trousers and is very smart indeed.
Ernest enters from the hall, carrying a suitcase.
Matthew follows him, staggering under three or
four large canvases in a wooden crate.
Ernest: Put them down there for the moment, Mat-
thew, and get me some coffee.
Matthew: Yes, sir.
He rests the canvases against the wall.
Ernest {taking of his hat and coat) : Is Mrs. Friedman
awake?
Matthew: She hasn't rung yet, sir.
Ernest: All right. Get me the coffee as quickly as
you can.
Matthew: It's all ready, sir.
He goes of Left. Ernest wanders out onto the ter-
race and then in again. He picks up a newspaper of
the table, glances at it and throws it down again. He is
obviously irritable. Matthew reenters with a break-
fast tray, which he places on a small table.
[«5l
Act ni DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Matthew: Perhaps you'd like to have it out on the
terrace, sir?
Ernest: No. This'll do.
Matthew: Did you have a good trip, sir?
Ernest (sitting down at the table) : No, I did not.
Matthew: Very good, sir.
He goes out. Ernest pours himself some coffee.
While he is doing so, Otto and Leo come down the
stairs. They are both wearing Ernest's pyjamas and
dressing gowns, which are considerably small for them.
Their feet are bare.
Leo (as they reach the bottom of the stairs): Good-
morning, Ernest!
Ernest (flabbergasted) : God bless my soul!
Otto (kissing him): He will, Ernest. He couldn't
fail to!
Leo (also kissing him) : Dear little Ernest !
Ernest: Where — where in heaven's name have you
come from?
Otto: Manila.
Leo (grinning) : It was very hot in Manila.
Otto: Aren't you pleased to see us?
Ernest: Have you been staying here?
Leo: Of course.
Ernest: Since when?
Otto: Last night.
Ernest: Where did you sleep?
Leo: Upstairs.
Ernest: What! Where's Gilda?
Otto: We don't know. She's disappeared.
Ernest: Disappeared! What on earth do you mean?
Otto: What I say. She's disappeared.
\I26\
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Leo: Disappeared! Gone. She fluttered out into the
night like a silly great owl.
Otto: We arrived when she was entertaining a few
smart friends, and she pressed a latchkey into our hands
and told us to come back later; and when we came back
later, she wasn't here. So we waited a little while, and
then we went to bed.
Leo : We were very tired.
Ernest: It's fantastic, the whole thing! Ridiculous.
Leo : Do you think we could have some coffee?
Ernest: Yes, you can have some coffee, if you want
it.
He rings a little bell on the table and slams it down
again irritably.
Otto: I do hope you're not going to be disagreeable,
Ernest. After all, you haven't seen us for ages.
Ernest: Disagreeable! What do you expect me to
be? I arrive home after twenty hours in the train to find
Gilda gone, and you both staying in the house uninvited
and wearing my pyjamas.
Leo: We'll take them off at once, if you like.
Ernest: You won't do any such thing!
Matthew enters and stands stricken with astonish-
ment.
Two more cups, Matthew.
Matthew: Yes, sir.
He goes out, staring.
Ernest: Had you warned Gilda that you were
coming?
Otto: No. We just arrived — it was a surprise.
Ernest {suddenly) : What do you want?
Leo: Why do you ask that?
l»7l
Act hi DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Ernest: I want to know. Why have you come?
What do you want?
Otto : We want Gilda, of course !
Ernest: Have you gone out of your mind?
Leo: Not at all. It's quite natural. WeVe always
wanted Gilda.
Ernest: Are you aware that she is my wife?
Otto (turning away) : Oh, don't be so silly, Ernest!
Ernest: Silly! How dare you!
Leo: You're a dear old pet, Ernest, and we're very,
very fond of you and we know perfectly well that Gilda
could be married to you fifty times and still not be your
wife.
Matthew comes in with two cups.
Matthew: Do you want some fresh coffee, sir?
Ernest (mechanically, staring at them): No — no,
there's enough here.
Matthew (to Otto) : Can I get you some grapefruit,
sir? Or an egg?
Otto: No, thank you.
Matthew (to Leo) : For you, sir?
Leo: No, thank you.
Ernest: That will do, Matthew.
Matthew: Yes, sir.
He goes out.
Ernest: Do you seriously imagine that you have the
slightest right to walk into my house like this and demand
my wife?
Otto: Do stop saying "my wife" in that complacent
way, Ernest; it's absurd!
Leo: We know entirely why you married Gilda; and if
[i 28]
Act m DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
we'd both been dead it would have been an exceedingly
good arrangement.
Ernest: You are dead, as far as she's concerned.
Otto: Oh, no, we're not! We're very much alive.
Leo: I fear your marriage is on the rocks, Ernest.
Ernest: This is one of the most superb exhibitions of
brazen impertinence I've ever encountered.
Otto: It's inconvenient, I do see that. It may quite
possibly inconvenience you very much.
Leo: But no more than that; and you know it as well
as we do.
Ernest (with admirable control): Aren't you taking
rather a lot for granted?
Otto: Only what we know.
Ernest: I won't lose my temper with you, because
that would be foolish
Otto: And ineffective.
Ernest: But I think you had better put on whatever
clothes you came in, and go away. You can come back
later, when you're in a more reasonable frame of mind.
Leo: We're in a perfectly reasonable frame of mind,
Ernest. We've never been more reasonable in our lives;
nor more serenely determined.
Ernest (with great calmness) : Now look here, you two.
I married Gilda because she was alone, and because for
many, many years I have been deeply attached to her.
We discussed it carefully together from every angle, be-
fore we decided. I know the whole circumstances
intimately. I know exactly how much she loved you
both; and also, I'm afraid, exactly how little you both
loved her. You practically ruined her life between you,
and you caused her great unhappiness with your egotisti-
[129]
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
cal, casual passions. Now you can leave her alone.
She's worked hard and made a reputation for herself.
Her life is fully occupied; and she is completely contented.
Leave her alone! Go away! Go back to Manila or
wherever you came from — and leave her alone!
Leo: Admirable, Ernest! Admirable, but not strictly
accurate. We love her more than anyone else in the
world and always shall. She caused us just as much un-
happiness in the past as we ever caused her. And al-
though she may have worked hard, and although her life
is so fully occupied, she is far from being contented. We
saw her last night and we know.
Otto: She could never be contented without us, be-
cause she belongs to us just as much as we belong to her.
Ernest: She ran away from you.
Leo: She'll come back.
The front door bell rings.
Otto: She has come back!
There is silence while Matthew crosses from the
servants' door to the hall.
Leo: Coffee! That's the thing — nice, strong coffee!
He pours some out for himself.
Otto {doing the same): Delicious!
Ernest (rising, and flinging down his napkin) : This is
insupportable!
Leo: Peculiar and complicated, I grant you, and rather
exciting, but not insupportable.
Gilda enters, followed by Matthew, who looks
utterly bewildered. She is wearing a dark day coat
and hat over her evening dress, and carrying a brown
paper parcel that is obviously her evening cloak. Shi
sees the three of them and smiles.
[130]
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Gilda: I might have known it!
Matthew: Shall I take your parcel, ma'am?
Gilda: Yes, give it to Nora, Matthew; it's my evening
cloak.
Matthew: Yes, ma'am.
He goes off, Left, with it; while Gilda takes of her
hat and coat and fluffs out her hair.
Gilda: I borrowed this coat and hat from the tele-
phone operator at the Ritz: remind me to return it some
time this morning, Ernest.
She comes over and kisses him absently.
This is all very awkward, isn't it? I am so sorry. The
very first minute you get home, too. It's a shame ! (To
Otto and Leo) : Did you stay here all night?
Leo: Yes, we did.
Gilda: I wondered if you would.
Otto: Why did you sneak off like that?
Gilda (coolly) : I should have thought the reason was
obvious enough.
Leo: It was very weak of you.
Gilda: Not at all. I wanted time to think. Give
me some coffee, Ernest — no, don't ring for another cup;
I'll have yours. I couldn't bear to see Matthew's eyes
popping out at me any more!
She pours out some coffee and sits down and surveys
the three of them.
Gilda (blandly): Now then!
Leo: Now then indeed!
Gilda: What's going to happen?
Otto: Social poise again. Oh, dear! Oh, dear, oh, dear!
Gilda: You know you both look figures of fun in those
pyjamas!
U3'\
Act m DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Ernest: I don't believe IVe ever been so acutely irri-
tated in my whole life.
Leo: It is annoying for you, Ernest, I do see that!
I'm so sorry.
Otto: Yes, we're both sorry.
Ernest: I think your arrogance is insufferable. I
don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.
I'm very, very angry. Gilda, for heaven's sake, tell
them to go!
Gilda : They wouldn't. Not if I told them until I was
black in the face!
Leo: Quite right.
Otto: Not without you, we wouldn't.
Gilda (smiling) : That's very sweet of you both.
Leo (looking at her sharply) : What are you up to?
Otto: Tell us, my little dear, my clever little dear!
Tell us what you're up to.
Gilda: What have you been saying to Ernest?
Leo: Lots of things.
Ernest: They've been extremely offensive, both of
them.
Gilda: In what way?
Ernest: I'd rather not discuss it any further.
Gilda: I believe you've got a little fatter, Otto.
Leo: He eats too much rice.
Gilda: You look very well, though.
Otto (raising his eyebrows slightly) : Thank you.
Gilda: So do you, Leo. The line in between your
eyes is deeper, but you seem very healthy.
Leo : I am.
Gilda: You were always very strong, constitutionally.
Strong as an ox! Do you remember that, Ernest?
[132]
Act hi DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Ernest (irritably): What?
Gilda (smiling) : Nothing. It doesn't matter.
Leo : Stop pulling our ears and stroking us, Gilda, and
tell us your secret. Tell us why you're so strange and
quiet — tell us what you're up to.
Gilda: Don't you know? I've given in!
Leo (quickly): What!
Gilda (quietly and very distinctly) : I've given in. I've
thrown my hand in! The game's over.
Ernest: Gilda! What do you mean?
Gilda: What I say.
Ernest : You mean — you can't mean that
Gilda (gently): I mean I'm going away from you,
Ernest. Some things are too strong to fight against; I've
been fighting for two years and it's no use. I'm bored
with the battle, sick to death of it! So I've given in.
Ernest : You're — you're insane ! You can't be serious.
Gilda: I'm not serious! That's what's so dreadful.
I feel I ought to be but I'm not — my heart f s bobbing up
and down inside me like a parrot in a cage ! It's shameful,
I know, but I can't help it (She suddenly turns on
Otto and Leo): And you two — you two sitting there
with the light of triumph in your eyes! — Say something,
can't you! Say something, for God's sake, before I slap
your smug little faces !
Leo : I knew it. I knew it last night !
Otto: We both knew it! We laughed ourselves to
sleep.
Ernest: Gilda, pull yourself together! Don't be a
fool — pull yourself together!
Gilda: Don't get excited, Ernest. It doesn't matter
to you as much as all that, you know.
U33]
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
Ernest: You're crazy! You're stark staring mad!
Gilda {ecstatically): I am, I am! I'm mad with joy!
I'm mad with relief ! I thought they really had forgotten
me; that they really were free of me. I thought that
they were never coming back, that I should never see
them again; that my heart would be heavy and sick and
lonely for them until I died!
Leo: Serve you right for leaving us! Serve you damn
well right !
Gilda: Be quiet! Shut your trap, my darling! I've
got to explain to Ernest.
Ernest: I don't want to hear your explanations. I
don't want to hear any more
Otto: Try and stop her, that's all! Just try and stop
her! She's off, she's embarked on a scene. Oh, dear
love, this is highly delectable! The old girl's on the war
path!
Gilda: Be quiet, I tell you! Don't crow! Don't be
so mean.
Ernest: I don't want to hear any more, I tell you!
Gilda: You've got to. You must! There's so much
I have to say. You must listen. In fairness to yourself
and to all of us, you must listen.
Ernest: You're being unbelievably vulgar! I'm
ashamed of you.
Gilda: I'm ashamed of many things, but not of this!
This is real. I've made use of you, Ernest, and I'm
ashamed of that, and I've lied to you. I'm ashamed of
that, too; but at least I didn't know it: I was too busy
lying to myself at the same time. I took refuge in your
gentle, kind friendship, and tried to pretend to myself
that it was enough, but it wasn't. I've talked and
[134]
Act hi DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
laughed and entertained your friends; I've been excellent
company and very efficient. I've worked hard and
bought things and sold things, all the time pretending
that my longing for these two was fading ! But it wasn't.
They came back last night, looking very sleek and sly in
their newly pressed suits, and the moment I saw them, I
knew; I knew it was no good pretending any more. I
fought against it, honestly I did ! I ran away from them,
and walked about the streets and sat in Childs weeping
into glasses of milk. Oh, Ernest, you've understood such
a lot, understand just this much more, and try to forgive
me — because I can't possibly live without them, and
that's that!
Ernest (with icy calm) : I gather that the fact that I'm
your husband is not of the faintest importance to you?
Gilda: It's never been anything more than a com-
fortable sort of arrangement, has it?
Ernest: Apparently not as comfortable as I imagined.
Gilda: Exquisitely comfortable, Ernest, and easy-
going and very, very nice; but those things don't count in
a situation like this, you must see that!
Ernest: I see a ruthless egotism, an utter disregard
for anyone's feelings but your own. That's all I can see
at the moment.
Leo: You should see more, Ernest, you really should.
The years that you've known us should have taught you
that it's no use trying to make any one of us toe the line
for long.
Ernest: Gilda is different from you two, she always
has been.
Gilda: Not different enough.
Ernest: You let her down utterly. You threw away
l'3S\
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
everything she gave you. It was painful to watch her
writhing in the throes of her own foolish love for you. I
used to love you both too. You were young and gay,
and your assurance wasn't set and unbecoming as it is
now. But I don't love you any more. I'm not even
fond of you. You set every instinct that I have on
edge. You offend my taste. When Gilda escaped from
you I tried to make her happy and contented, quietly,
without fuss.
Otto: She could never be happy without fuss. She
revels in it.
Ernest: Superficially, perhaps, but not really. Not
deep down in her heart.
Leo: What do you know of her heart?
Gilda: Cruel little cat.
Otto: Shut up!
Leo: She's chosen to come back to us. She just said
so. How do you account for that?
Ernest: The sight of you has revived her old idiotic
infatuation for you, but only for a little. It won't last.
She knows too much now to be taken in by you again.
Gilda: You're wrong, Ernest. You're wrong.
Ernest: Your lack of balance verges on insanity.
Otto : Do you know that was downright rude !
Gilda: Why go on talking? Talking isn't any good.
Look at me, Ernest. Look at me ! Can't you see what's
happened?
Ernest: You're a mad woman again.
Gilda: Why shouldn't I be a mad woman? I've been
sane and still for two years. You were deceived by my
dead behaviour because you wanted to be. It's silly to
go on saying to yourself that I'm different from Otto
1136]
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
and Leo just because you want to believe it. I'm not
different from them. We're all of a piece, the three of us.
Those early years made us so. From now on we shall
have to live and die our own way. No one else's way is
any good, we don't fit.
Ernest: No, you don't, you don't and you never will.
Your values are false and distorted.
Gilda: Only from your point of view.
Ernest: From the point of view of anyone who has
the slightest sense of decency.
Leo: We have our own decencies. We have our
own ethics. Our lives are a different shape from yours.
Wave us good-bye, Little Ernest, we're together again.
Gilda: Ernest, Ernest, be friendly. It can't hurt you
much.
Ernest: Not any more. I've wasted too much
friendship on all of you, you're not worth it.
Otto: There's a lot of vanity in your anger, Ernest,
which isn't really worthy of your intelligence.
Ernest {turning on him) : Don't speak to me, please !
Leo: Otto's perfectly right. This behaviour isn't
worthy of your intelligence. If you were twisted up in-
side and really unhappy it would be different; but you're
not, you're no more than offended and resentful that
your smooth habits should be tampered with
Ernest (losing control): Hold your tongue! — I've had
too much of your effrontery already!
Gilda (peaceably) : Once and for all, Ernest, don't be
bitter and so dreadfully outraged! Please, please calm
down and you'll find it much easier to understand.
Ernest: You overrate my capacity for understanding!
I don't understand; the whole situation is revolting to me.
US7\
Act in DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
I never shall understand; I never could understand this
disgusting three-sided erotic hotch-potch !
Gilda: Ernest!
Leo: Why, good heavens! King Solomon had a
hundred wives and was thought very highly of. I can't
see why Gilda shouldn't be allowed a couple of gentlemen
friends.
Ernest (furiously) : Your ill-timed flippancy is only in
keeping with the rest of your execrable taste!
Otto: Certain emotions transcend even taste, Ernest.
Take anger, for example. Look what anger's doing to
you! You're blowing yourself out like a frog!
Ernest (beside himself): Be quiet! Be quiet!
Leo (violently): Why should we be quiet! You're
making enough row to blast the roof off ! Why should you
have the monopoly of noise? Why should your pompous
moral pretensions be allowed to hurtle across the city
without any competition? We've all got lungs; let's use
them! Let's shriek like mad! Let's enjoy ourselves!
Gilda (beginning to laugh): Stop it, Leo! I implore
you! — This is ludicrous! Stop it — stop it
Ernest (in a frenzy): It is ludicrous! It's ludicrous
to think that I was ever taken in by any of you — that I
ever mistook you for anything but the unscrupulous,
worthless degenerates that you are ! There isn't a decent
instinct among the lot of you. You're shifty and irre-
sponsible and abominable, and I don't wish to set eyes on
you again — as long as I live! Never! Do you hear me?
Never — never — never !
He stamps out of the room, quite beside himself with
fury; on his way into the hall he falls over the package of
canvases.
1 &]
Act m DESIGN FOR LIVING Scene 2
This is too much for Gilda and Otto and Leo; they
break down utterly and roar with laughter. They groan
and weep with laughter; their laughter is still echoing
from the walls as —
the curtain falls
{139]
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